


Goodbye May Seem Forever

by pianoforeplay



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-23
Updated: 2011-10-23
Packaged: 2017-10-24 21:53:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pianoforeplay/pseuds/pianoforeplay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared and Jensen have been best friends since second grade, together weathering school work, girls, puberty and their burgeoning sexual identities all under the radar of Jensen's disapproving parents. They swear they'll be friends forever. But forever is a long, long time and time has a way of changing things.</p><p>Written for j2_everafter and loosely based on <i>The Fox and the Hound</i>. Originally posted <a href="http://pianoforeplay.livejournal.com/32483.html">here</a> on 2/24/10.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye May Seem Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for: Underage sex (participating characters are both 16), violence and graphic language surrounding homophobic themes. Also, a contrived and unoriginal plot, two-dimensional villains, a couple gratuitous sex scenes and true love. And Chad Michael Murray.
> 
> My eternal gratitude goes out to wendy for her extensive and wonderfully honest beta and to fayemeadows for not only her continual encouragement despite her own life explosions, but also for letting me steal one of her childhood stories for my own devices. And, of course, to maichan808 for creating [some of the best pieces of art I've seen in this fandom ever](http://maichan808.livejournal.com/36396.html). [WARNING: Link is mildly spoilery for the fic.] I only wish this story could do her art justice. Seriously. Even if you don't read this or do read and don't like it, do NOT miss out on her art. Unless you hate yourself, in which case I can't help you.
> 
> As always, these characters are not mine. I do not own or even know any of the names herein and do not hold any claim on the original story of _The Fox and the Hound_. This is all done in fun.

  
_We met it seems, such a short time ago.  
You looked at me, needing me so.  
Yet from your sadness, our happiness grew  
Then I found out, I needed you, too.  
I remember how we used to play.  
I recall those rainy days,  
the fires glowed, that kept us warm.  
And now I find, we're both alone.  
Goodbye may seem forever, farewell is like the end.  
But in my heart's a memory, and there you'll always be._

 **seven**

Every day at lunch, without fail, Sandy McCoy gives Jensen a cookie.

It's always a different kind of cookie and his favorites are the peanut butter ones with the little Hershey's Kiss in the middle, but they're all good as far as he's concerned. They're better than the few Oreos Jensen's nanny packs in his lunch, at least. Bigger, too.

On Tuesday, Sandy gives him two cookies.

At first, Jensen's thrilled. Because, not only are they both peanut butter, but everyone knows two is always better than one.

"I know you like them best," Sandy says, smiling bright, her ponytail brushing her shoulder as she scoots closer.

"I do," Jensen agrees, happy, but a little confused. Every day at lunch, without fail, Sandy gives Jensen a cookie. And she gives one to Jared, too.

But today, this Tuesday, Jensen has two cookies and Jared has none.

Jared isn't making a big deal out of it. He's sitting across from Jensen and Sandy with his own lunch box open, head lowered as he takes out his sandwich and apple and stick of string cheese. He's not making a big deal, but Jensen knows somehow, deep in his belly, that Jared's upset.

So he looks at Sandy. Says, "Why doesn't Jared get one?"

Sandy's smile falters and she darts a glance at Jared. Jared still isn't looking up, isn't looking at either of them, and Sandy's shoulders slump a little as she leans in closer to Jensen. "Because," she says with a whisper, "you're cuter. And I like you more."

Jensen frowns.

When he glances across the table again, he sees Jared quickly turn away, his cheeks a dark pink. It makes something inside Jensen twist all weird in a way he doesn't like. Jared loves cookies even more than Jensen does and Sandy isn't being fair.

"But. That isn't very nice," he decides, turning to Sandy again. She blinks at him like she doesn't understand and, without another thought, Jensen hands one of the cookies to Jared.

Jared looks up as the cookie comes into view, glances from Jensen to Sandy and back again before managing a small, hesitant smile.

Sandy doesn't talk to Jensen for the rest of the day and she never gives either of them cookies ever again.

But Jensen doesn't care. Jared's way cooler anyway.

  
**fourteen**   


It takes Jared two weeks to get up the nerve to ask Sandy out. In that same amount of time, he talks it over endlessly with Jensen, tries writing it out in a note and practicing in front of the mirror. Even asks his mama for advice.

"Seriously, just do it," Jensen says after school on Thursday, harshly tugging loose the tie around his neck. His locker slams shut with a clang and Jared doesn't miss the irritated frown on his lips.

"But what if she says no?"

"Then she says no," Jensen replies as he shoulders his bag and pushes past Jared to head down the hall. "The world won't end, dude. I promise."

Jared's not so sure about that, but he can tell Jensen's already in a bitchy mood so he doesn't push it as he hurries to walk with him. "Whatever. You can say that because she's totally been crushing on _you_ since forever."

"Dude, seriously? This again?"

"Peanut butter cookies, man. Peanut butter."

"That was in _second grade_."

"Feelings that pure don't just disappear, Jen," Jared says, fighting a smirk.

But Jensen isn't grinning back. In fact, Jensen's practically glowering as he shoves open the door and steps outside, takes the few steps down to the sidewalk with a quick, determined pace.

Jared frowns. They typically hang back to talk for awhile, out of sight of the black Town Car waiting just around the corner to pick Jensen up from school. Not that Jeffrey Dean would really care if he saw Jensen hanging out with Jared, but there's always the chance that one of Jensen's parents might pick him up instead. And, after the lecture Jensen had gotten the last time, they've both learned to be more careful.

But Jensen's still walking, not looking back and clearly not in the mood to hang around.

"Jensen--"

"She'll say yes!" Jensen shouts, his back still to Jared as he rounds the corner. Out of sight.

Jensen's moodiness isn't really unusual and, after seven years, Jared's mostly used to it, but he's been even bitchier lately and Jared still can't figure out _why_.

He thinks it over on his long walk home, worry knotting tight in his stomach with every step. He thinks about it over dinner too, and while he's trying to do his homework, but still gets no closer to a conclusion. Jensen's always been a little weird about Sandy, but he doesn't hate her. They all hang out together and Jared knows for a fact that Jensen and Sandy talk and laugh and get along even when Jared's not around. But he also doesn't miss the way Jensen sometimes gets a little tense when she's around, how he goes quiet and a little more reserved.

Jared had asked once if Jensen had a thing for her. But Jensen had only frowned at him, confused.

"She's like my sister," he'd said, still staring at Jared like he'd grown a second head. "Only a little less annoying."

"Right," Jared had laughed, somewhat embarrassed and suddenly a lot relieved. "Right, yeah. Of course."

They'd never talked about it again and Jensen's never discouraged Jared from his pursuit of her. Just... hasn't exactly encouraged it either. It makes sense, Jared thinks. Jensen's afraid it'll mess up the dynamic of the friendship between the three of them, but Jared's determined to prove him wrong. To prove it'll all be alright.

So on Friday, right before history class, Jared finally asks her out.

She seems confused at first, books clutched to her chest and head tilted upward as he fumbles through the words. But then she smiles, slow and warm and cocks her hip. Says, "Wait... Are you asking me out?"

"Uhm," Jared replies, heat climbing up his neck and across his cheeks. "I-- yeah. I guess. Is that-- I mean, we don't have to if you think it's weird or if you-- I mean, just being friends is cool, too. I just--"

"Yes," Sandy interrupts with a sweet smile.

"Huh?"

She giggles then, leans in close and drops her voice to a whisper Says, "My answer's yes," before delicately brushing past him to head to her next class.

:::

"Something wrong, dear?"

Jensen carefully sets down his fork and looks up from his dinner plate. Says, "No, mama."

Mackenzie's fidgeting in her chair beside him, swinging her legs as she stuffs a bite of grilled asparagus into her mouth. "Jensen likes a girl," she says and Jensen shoots her a glare.

"Oh!" says Jensen's mother. "Oh my. Well."

He glances up just long enough to see a slow smile curving his mother's lips and fights the impulse to slide under the table.

"What's her name, dear?"

Huffing a breath, Jensen wraps a hand tight around the cloth napkin in his lap. Fights to keep his voice even when he says, "It's no one, mama."

"It's Sandy McCoy," Mackenzie says, her stupid blonde curls bouncing. "And he's jealous because she likes Jared better."

"Kenzie, would you _shut up_?" Jensen snaps, fingers tightening around his fork.

"Jared," says his mother, her tone shifting completely, slipping cold and sharp. "That awful Padalecki boy?"

Jensen grits his teeth and digs his nails into his thigh, a wave of anger shooting up his spine. He's spent years now hiding his friendship with Jared from his parents and he hasn't always been successful. The way he's had to lie and deflect at all times makes him feel like he's trying to hide something else, something sinister and awful. Like a murder plot or spree of kidnappings.

Or maybe something just really, awfully sinful.

"You know, I saw his father in the store just the other day and the man had the gall to smile at me! Can you imagine?"

Knowing better than to answer, Jensen keeps his head lowered, gaze focused on his plate. He doesn't feel very hungry at all anymore.

"It's like he really doesn't know how much he's cost us. Or simply doesn't care."

"Oh, he knows exactly what he's cost us," Jensen's father pipes in, voice low but no less frigid. Jensen wraps his napkin around one finger and pulls tight, focuses on the way the skin at the tip goes cold and numb instead of the one-sided argument going on between his parents. It's a tired subject by now, one Jensen could likely recite all by himself should he ever feel the need. Not that he ever will. So what if Jared's dad is responsible for his family only having a couple million dollars instead of several? It's just money. No matter how many times his parents try to make him, he can't bring himself to _care_.

"The man simply doesn't have the decency he was born with, that's all," his dad continues. "I almost pity his children. They don't have a hope in Hades of being brought up as decent human beings."

Jensen feels a nerve twitch in his neck and he roughly lets go of the napkin curled tight around his finger. Says sharply, "I don't like Sandy McCoy," as he shoots another glare at his sister. "And I don't care that she's going out with Jared Padalecki."

Saying Jared's full name feels weird, but anything shorter would seem too familiar, too _friendly_ and he bites back on the double-edged guilt as he meets his mother's eyes.

"Oh, well Sandy's a _lovely_ girl," his mother says then, her tone changing once more to something light and thoughtful. Jensen knows better.

When it becomes apparent that his mother's waiting for a reply, Jensen manages a shrug. Says, "Yeah, she's nice."

"I had no idea she had such poor taste, though," his mother continues then with a put-upon sigh. "What a shame."

Jensen picks at the chicken on his plate and doesn't say a word. He can't bring himself to agree and he knows he can't argue, so he decides to keep his mouth shut instead, stomach still twisting in on itself.

Luckily, Mackenzie soon grows bored of the topic and starts gushing about some trip she wants to take to the mall with her friend, Chelsea. Jensen's grateful for the reprieve and finds it easy enough to tune out the conversation, focuses instead on finishing his tasteless dinner.

:::

Going out with Sandy McCoy isn't much different than just being friends with her, Jared discovers.

Sure, they hang out a lot more and call each other on the phone about every night and her parents drive them to the movies sometimes on the weekend. And there's all the kissing, which Jared's found he really likes even if he's not the greatest at it. That's all kind of different.

But mostly it feels just like before. Only with less Jensen.

It's that last part he doesn't like so much.

On the one hand, it's easier. Trying to spend time with Jensen has always been kind of difficult given how much the Ackles despise Jared. There isn't as much lying with Sandy and he spends as much time at her place as she does at his. He never has to worry about who sees them or whether they'll be found out. It's simple. Easy.

But on the other. Well. She just isn't Jensen.

So when Sandy announces that she's going on vacation with her family over spring break, Jared can't bring himself to be too upset. He'll miss her, he's sure of that. But he'll also have a full week to spend with his best friend.

"You should come over," he tells Jensen Wednesday between third and fourth period. "We can play X-box all night and watch Cinemax or something. As long as we're quiet my parents won't care."

Jensen frowns. "I'll have to think of a reason."

"Yeah, so? Tell them you're going over to Justin's or something."

"I used that last time."

"Last time was, like, three months ago."

"I just don't think it's a good idea," Jensen says, slowing to a stop outside his classroom. "Maybe we can go see a movie or something. I can get Jeffrey to take me to the mall on Monday if you want."

Jared tries to ignore the way his stomach sinks to his knees and forces a smile. "Yeah, that's-- okay, I guess that'll work."

"Okay," Jensen says, but he doesn't look any happier either. "Cool. I'll call you later."

He disappears into his classroom before Jared can reply. And he doesn't call.

Jared tries to tell himself it's because Jensen's busy catching up on the essays he has to write for English and not anything else. But he knows better. He's just not sure what to do about it.

:::

"Hey, you going to Katie's birthday party this weekend?"

Jared has one arm curled around Sandy's waist just like always, but he's smiling at Jensen, wide and hopeful. Jensen kind of hates that look.

He shrugs, one hand clamped over the strap of his backpack. "Yeah, I don't know. Maybe."

It's been five months since Jared and Sandy started dating and four since Jensen figured out exactly why it bothers him so much. Not that he's said a word about it and not that he ever intends to. It's not something he likes to think about at _all_ if he can help it. Sometimes it's easy to ignore, sometimes he thinks his ridiculous, horrible and _wrong_ feelings are starting to fade. But then Jared will smile at him again or lean down to kiss Sandy in the middle of the hall or say Jensen's name in just that particular way and it all comes back again: the longing and the ache and the pure, blind jealousy.

"C'mon, Jen. You should come," Jared says, something in his tone giving Jensen pause. There's a plea there, quiet enough to nearly be undetectable, though Jensen can hear it loud and clear. It's solidified when Jared tilts his head, brows furrowed just a little bit and a frown tugging the corner of his lips. "Seriously, man. I hardly see you anymore."

Jensen's gaze flicks to Sandy and he bites back a harsh retort. But her expression nearly matches Jared's, brown eyes silently pleading and, against his better judgment, Jensen caves.

It only takes a couple little white lies to convince his mom to let Jeffrey drive him to the party. His parents don't know Jared will be there, but there's always the chance he'll be seen and Jensen's learned it's better to be safe than sorry. Even if 'safe' means not seeing much of Jared at all. Jensen likes to assure himself that's only partially his fault, what with Jared spending more and more time with Sandy these days. He can't be totally to blame.

Not that he's bitter.

True to form, Jared and Sandy are already wrapped in each other when Jensen arrives, but he pretends not to notice, instead heading straight for the birthday girl with a smile he hopes doesn't look too fake.

"Jensen!" she says, happily wrapping him in a hug. "I didn't think you were coming!"

"I'm here for the cake," he tells her, managing a small, but more genuine smile.

"Yeah, right," Katie says, knocking her fist against his arm and then stealing her present away. "Jared and Sandy are here," she says, nodding over toward the corner as she rips into the packaging.

Jensen glances over, his smile slipping a little as he wonders when they became an _and_. It doesn't sound right in his head. Jared and Sandy. Bulky and misshaped and _wrong_.

"Cool," he manages in reply and Katie stops opening her present long enough to look up at him, one eyebrow arched. There's suspicion there, wary curiosity, and Jensen deflects her question before it can be asked by blurting out, "It's the Beatles. Abbey Road. I checked with your mom; she said you didn't have it."

Katie's eyes narrow, her suspicions growing noticeably and Jensen forces a smile back into place, tries to make it look as real as possible if just a little sheepish. "Do you like it?"

"You okay?" she asks, completely ignoring him, present still half unwrapped.

"Yeah, just-- worried you won't like your present."

Katie doesn't look at all convinced, eying him for another moment longer before finally caving, small shoulders relaxing with a breath. "Yeah, of course. Thanks, Jensen."

"Happy birthday," he says with another soft, awkward laugh.

And Katie smiles for real then, shoves at him with one hand and says, "Cake's in the kitchen. Doofus."

Taking the out for what it is, Jensen slips away to wander the perimeter of the room before ducking into the kitchen. His stomach is still too twisted up to really appreciate the cake, but he eats a slice anyway, licking the frosting from his fingers when a familiar figure barges in.

"Jensen! You came!"

Wincing inwardly, Jensen turns. "Someone promised there'd be cake," he says because it's still the only excuse he can think of.

And he knows it's a stupid line, but it works, Jared's smile only growing wider. Jensen finds himself returning it despite himself. Jared's always kind of had that effect on him, this innate ability to make him smile when he'd really rather not.

"Yeah, I already had, like, ten slices," Jared admits.

"I'm shocked."

"It's good cake!"

"Like that matters. You'd probably eat it even if it tasted like solid onions or something."

Jared seems to consider that for a second and then shrugs. "Yeah, maybe. I'd at least try it."

"Gross," Jensen replies, nose wrinkling, though he still can't help his smile.

And then Sandy walks in, fits herself right up against Jared's side. Says, "Hey, Jensen!" just like she always does, like she's just as happy to see him as she is to see Jared and Jensen has to fight to keep his smile from faltering.

He must do a pretty good job of it as it doesn't seem like Sandy notices, her attention shifting quickly back to Jared. "God, are you getting _more_?"

"I'm sorry, have you not met the bottomless pit?" Jensen says as he pops a bite of cake into his mouth.

"Dude, are you callin' me fat?"

"No, I'm calling you a human garbage disposal. There's a difference."

Sandy snorts out a quiet laugh and slides her hand to Jared's stomach as she curls in closer, smiling up at him. It reeks of such a casual intimacy that Jensen can barely stand it, his nerves tightening, prickling with the sudden urge to get the hell _out_. Away. To go somewhere and bemoan his sad existence.

It's a familiar feeling by now, but no less powerful. Particularly since it's getting harder and harder to fight. He's sure Jared must know by now or is at least getting suspicious, and the idea of him discovering Jensen's secret is even worse than watching Sandy hang all over him every day at school. If he could just find a way to get rid of these ridiculous feelings, they could be okay again, Jensen knows. It'll happen one day. It has to.

But knowing that doesn't make it easier at the moment. Because, right now, Jensen's fixated on where Jared's hand is curled around Sandy's hip, holding her like he doesn't ever want to let her go.

Jensen chokes a little on the bite of cake in his mouth when he tries to swallow. Fighting the flush of jealousy and embarrassment, he nods toward the doorway and mumbles, "I gotta-- bathroom," before offering a wane, strained smile. "I'll meet up with you guys later, okay?"

He doesn't miss the way Jared's lips twitch into a frown before he ducks his head and pushes his way out of the kitchen, back into the mess of party-goers.

The bathroom is at the end of the hall and Jensen gets stopped by a number of people on the way, each one happy and surprised to see him. It helps, actually, and by the time he reaches his destination, he doesn't feel quite as bad as before.

But still pretty pathetic.

He closes and locks the door behind him and then stands in front of the sink, his hands on the vanity as he stares at his reflection in the mirror. His hair is spiked up a little more than normal and there's a tiny streak of frosting at the corner of his lips that he quickly wipes away. Other than that, he looks the same as always: scrawny and pale with eyes that are too big and a mouth that's too red and freckles that are too... freckley. And there's a zit on his chin. Figures.

Seriously, even if Jared were as messed up as Jensen, there's no chance in hell he'd--

A sharp bang on the door jolts him out of his self-loathing, heart momentarily leaping up into his throat before he says, "Someone's in here!"

"It's Jared. Let me in."

Jensen's heart does another hop and he grips the counter tighter, takes a second to pull in a single slow breath and rubs a hand over his face. "Just-- hang on a sec."

"No," Jared replies, giving the door another loud thunk. "Let me in, I'm serious. I need to talk to you."

"Dude, I'm _peeing_."

"No, you're not, you're... I don't know, _pouting_ or something. What the hell's going on?"

Jensen cringes at how true Jared's flippant accusation really is and seriously considers keeping up the argument. Except he hates arguing with Jared even more than he hates having these stupid feelings for him and he curses under his breath and stalks to the door, yanks it open with a sharp glare already in place.

"What do you want, Jared?"

Jared still has one hand raised in mid-knock and he looks a little surprised that Jensen's caved so soon. Dropping his arm, he lets out a huff and then nods past Jensen's shoulder. "Can we just... talk for a second?"

"Okay," Jensen says, still standing with one hand on the door. "Talk."

Jared rolls his eyes. "In _private_?"

Jensen hesitates, his gaze flicking past Jared to the crowd of people filling the hall beyond. Nobody's really paying them any attention, but they could at any time. And being seen stepping into a bathroom with another guy is most definitely _not_ a good move, Jensen knows. Not unless said bathroom is attached to a locker room.

But Jared's giving him that _look_ , half wounded and half determined, and Jensen relents, steps far back into the bathroom to give Jared more than enough space to push inside, door clicking shut behind him.

"What's up?" Jensen says, feigning casual even as he crosses his arms over his chest.

Jared's not falling for it though, his brow furrowing in what looks like growing worry. "You gonna tell me what's wrong?"

"Huh?" Jensen says, still clinging to his attempt at nonchalance. "What's wrong with what?"

"With _you_?"

"Nothing's wrong with me. Except you trying to invade my private pee time. Gross, by the way."

He says it with a hint of a smile, an attempt to make Jared loosen up a little and maybe convince him there's really nothing wrong. That it's all okay. Because Jensen thinks sometimes if he pretends long enough and hard enough, it'll eventually become true.

"You know, if you don't want to be my friend anymore, you could just tell me."

And _that's_ enough to make Jensen stop short, eyes going wide as he runs the sentence back through head, tries to make some kind of sense out of it.

"What?" he finally sputters, too shocked and confused to manage much else.

"You've been my best friend since second grade and now you're... I don't know. It's like you can't even stand to be around me anymore. Anytime I mention wanting to hang out or do something, you have some excuse to get out of it. And then when you _do_ show, it's like you're not really even _there_ and I don't know--"

"Jared, I don't-"

"Is it your parents?"

Jensen's frown deepens in further confusion and he shakes his head. "Huh? What about my parents?"

"They hate me. They hate my entire family just because of some stupid piece of land. But I thought..." he trails off, punctuating his sentence with a frustrated sound before his eyes harden, going dark and piercing. It's almost frightening how angry he looks, but beneath it all, Jensen can see something else. Something that makes Jensen's stomach twist and his heart ache. "I thought you were different, Jensen. It's been _years_ now and I really thought you didn't care about what they said, but I guess--"

"I don't!" Jensen says, the words bursting out of him loud enough to surprise Jared into silence. "It's not-- it has nothing to do with that, Jared. I don't give a crap what my parents think."

Jared still looks skeptical and Jensen takes a step forward, unable to hide the weird plea in his voice. "I swear, okay? Please just-- believe that, alright? I've never cared about any of that."

Of course, it's not entirely true. Jensen _does_ care what his parents think and knows full well that they'd disown him on the spot if they had any idea of what he really is, the things he thinks about. But that's different. That doesn't have anything to do with Jared. Not really.

Except how the things he thinks about always include Jared.

They stand just watching each other for a long moment, Jared's gaze wary before he manages a slow nod. Says, "Okay," reluctantly before crossing his arms over his chest. "Then what is it? What's wrong?"

And suddenly Jensen wishes he'd just gone with that excuse, just blamed everything on his parents' stupid grudge and let that be the end of it. Because Jensen knows Jared, and Jared won't stop now, not until he's satisfied with Jensen's reasons. Not until he gets the awful truth. And then that'll be it; Jared will finally understand how disgusting Jensen is -- twisted and wrong and sinful -- and that'll be the end of everything.

So Jensen shrugs, picks at a piece of lint clinging to his shirt at his elbow. "I don't know," he lies, gaze dropping to the tiled floor. "I just. I didn't want to get in the way, you know?"

It's close enough to the truth that Jensen thinks it might do the trick, but Jared's already shaking his head. "No, I don't know," he says, voice colder than Jensen's used to. Harsher. "What the hell would you be in the way of?"

Jensen grimaces. Hates that this whole conversation is making him feel like some stupid girl with a crush. Hates even more that that's almost exactly what he is.

He doesn't know how to answer. Blaming it all on Sandy seems childish, but what else can he say? There _isn't_ anything else and Jared's not stupid enough to believe some lie Jensen makes up on the spot.

But it turns out he doesn't even have to come up with anything. Jared gets this look on his face, this slow, dawning realization, his eyebrows relaxing and lips parting on a soundless breath and Jensen can literally _see_ him putting it all together, figuring it out piece by horrible piece.

"You..." he starts, quietly gaping a little. "Holy shit." Jensen winces, stares down at his feet while his insides rearrange themselves violently. His face is bright red, he can tell, skin tight around his bones as he becomes more and more exposed, stripped bare under Jared's mounting scrutiny. "But you're not... you don't..."

"I'm not," Jensen agrees, glancing up sharply. He feels like he's trying to convince himself more than Jared.

Jared's frown deepens and he shakes his head again, still clearly confused.

"I'm _not_ , but I don't--" Jensen huffs out a frustrated breath, his voice cracking embarrassingly as he says, "I've been trying to stop it for months, okay? And I don't--" He falters again with a choked, rough sound and takes a harsh breath.

Surprisingly, Jared doesn't look disgusted or even appalled. Just increasingly confused.

It doesn't really make Jensen feel that much better.

"Look, just-- you get it now, don't you?" he says, the pent-up anger and hurt and self-loathing making him snap. "Surprise! Your so-called best friend's a dirty fag! Problem solved! So now you can just go off and have a beautiful, perfect relationship with your beautiful, perfect girlfriend and leave me alone! Nothing more to worry about here!"

It comes out sounding even worse than he'd intended, the bitter, obvious jealousy dripping in every word.

And Jared's still just _staring_ at him, clearly stunned, cheeks tinged a faint red.

Jensen waits, hands balled into fists at his sides, readying for whatever Jared's sure to unleash. Because he knows Jared better than he knows anyone. So he knows that, while it sometimes takes a lot to get Jared well and truly pissed off, once he reaches that point, it's like detonating a nuclear bomb. Jensen's just waiting for it to hit.

But the seconds tick by and Jared doesn't move. Like his whole world has turned upside-down and left him dangling, immobile with shock. Like he doesn't even know who Jensen _is_ anymore.

The idea of that is somehow even worse. Jensen's shoulders sag and a breath pushes past his lips, all fight disappearing in an instant. Swallowing roughly, he manages a step forward, head ducked and ignoring the way Jared goes visibly tense at the movement.

"Just..." he says, waving vaguely at the door that Jared's blocking. "You're-- I won't touch you, I promise. I just... I need to get to the door."

Jared startles at the sound of Jensen's voice, but he otherwise doesn't move. Still a gangly, too-tall barrier between Jensen and his feeble image of freedom.

Jensen sighs, defeated and suddenly bone-tired, as he raises his head again. "Please, Jared," he says. "I just want to go home."

It's the most honest thing he's said all evening and something in his tone seems to make Jared snap back into it, his mouth shutting with an audible clack as he breathes in sharp through his nose.

"Jen. Why didn't you tell me?"

His voice is barely a whisper, but it sounds too-loud in the confined space of the bathroom. Louder with how close they're standing, only inches apart. He doesn't seem angry so much as hurt. Betrayed.

Wincing, Jensen doesn't answer for a long moment. There are a million different things he could say, more than a few he'll never admit ever. But Jared deserves at least one, he knows that much.

He shrugs. Meet's Jared's eyes and says, "I thought it'd go away." Hates how weak it makes him sound. How pathetic.

"But it didn't," Jared says. It isn't a question.

Jensen wills himself to not look away, throat closing tight as he shakes his head.

When Jared finally moves, it's not in the way Jensen's expecting: forward instead of aside, closing the space between them even further. Shuddering a breath, Jensen instinctively tries to step back. But he can't because Jared has a hand on him, long fingers wrapped around his forearm, holding him in place.

"Why not?"

It's a simple question. Jensen hears it loud and clear, understands it completely. Still he frowns and shakes his head, feigning ignorance with a stubborn determination. Because answering means admitting something all the more damning, something he can't ever take back. Something that will change their relationship forever and not for the better.

Jared's grip tightens slightly, not enough to hurt, but enough to make a point. And he's still _looking_ at Jensen, eyes all dark and intent. Like they get sometimes when he's studying algebra. Jared hates algebra.

"Jensen," he says, again just a whisper. A plea.

But Jensen won't give him this. _Can't_. He twists his wrist sharply and yanks free, surprised when Jared lets him go without a fight, and tries to shove past.

Jared's still a barrier though, still standing directly between Jensen and the door. Not fighting, but not _moving_.

Gritting his teeth, Jensen shoves his shoulder into Jared's, putting all his weight into trying to knock his friend off balance. It doesn't work. Jared only leans into him, one leg back against the door so that even when Jensen manages to get his hand on the knob, it doesn't open. They spend a long moment just like that, pushing against each other with stifled grunts before Jensen lunges back, chest aching and face twisted as he tries to fight the mortified tears that are attempting to break free.

"Let me out!" he shouts, hands balled into fists and Jared only flattens himself further against the door.

"Not until you tell me why."

"You _know_ why!" Jensen's almost livid with it now, humiliated and terrified and breaking apart from the inside. He'd counted on Jared being angry, but even at his most upset, Jared's never been cruel. Not until now.

"You're my _best friend_!" Jared shoots back. "If I let you out right now, you're just gonna run home and then you'll have to deal with your parents and I know you don't wanna-- God, just _talk_ to me, Jensen."

"And say what? What do you want to hear? Want me to just spell it out for you so you know just how sick and pathetic I really am?"

"Jensen--"

"I'm in love with you, okay? Is that clear enough? I think about you all the time, want you all the time, but you're so wrapped up in Sandy that you don't even notice I'm _here_ most of the time!"

"That's... Jensen, that's not true."

"It _is_ true. Every time you want to hang out, Sandy's there. Every time I meet you at your locker and try to sit with you at lunch or go to some party or whatever, Sandy's there. And I'm just... I'm the stupid loser who's just following you around--"

"Stop _saying_ that," Jared cuts in, anger flashing bright once more. "You're not some stupid loser, Jensen. You're not pathetic or gross or whatever else you think you are. You're my _best friend_."

"Well, I want _more_ than that!" Jensen shouts back, adrenaline finally getting the better of him as he steps in closer, nearly nose to nose with Jared. "It's sick and selfish, but I don't want to just be your friend anymore, Jared. And I know I can't _have_ that, but I can't just turn it off. Sometimes I don't even know if I _want_ to. It hurts all the time, but I can't-- I don't know--"

He snaps his mouth shut when Jared grabs hold of his arm, fights the impulse to pull away and instead stands very still, a nerve twitching in his jaw as he sucks in a quick breath.

"Stop it," Jared says, quiet, but startlingly clear. Jensen trembles with the effort to keep still as Jared's hand slides up over his shoulder, finds himself staring into concerned hazel eyes. "You're freaking out."

Jensen makes a choked noise, something just to the left of a laugh and then Jared's leaning in, lips brushing against Jensen's before Jensen has any idea of what's going on.

It's a quick kiss. Dry and soft and, when Jared pulls back a second later, he looks about as stunned as Jensen feels.

"What..." Jensen starts, shuddering on an inhale.

Jared's eyes are wide and he immediately drops his hand, smacks hard against the door as he takes a step back.

"Shit, I didn't-- I'm sorry. I'm not... God, Jen, I swear I'm not trying to-- I just... I wanted to. I've thought about it sometimes and you were just... shit, I'm sorry. That was fucking stupid, I'm _sorry_."

Jensen's still too stunned to make much sense of what Jared's saying, but there's one piece that gets through the rest and, latching onto it, can't hide the hope in his tone. "Wait, you-- you've thought about it? About what?"

Jared swallows, eyes still wide. "That," he finally says, clarifying nothing before adding, "kissing you."

It doesn't make sense. Not at all.

Jensen's completely rooted to the spot, lips still tingling faintly. "But--" he says, trying to piece it all together: his confession and rightful terror and Sandy and the fact that _Jared just kissed him_ , but it's not working. There's nothing there, but a huge, convoluted mess. "I don't--"

"I really like Sandy," Jared says then, quiet. Like he's the one confessing this time. "I always have."

Jensen manages to not wince because he knows this much, Jared isn't telling him anything new. And there's something about Jared's tone this time that makes Jensen think he shouldn't interrupt, maybe should wait and see where this is going.

"But she's not..." Jared trails off, makes a frustrated sound before flicking a glance at Jensen. "I think I knew. About you, I mean. Before you... just now. But I always thought I was just seeing what I wanted to see, you know?"

Jensen swallows, skin prickling as heat rises to his cheeks again. It's not in humiliation so much this time though, but something else.

Taking a shaky breath, Jensen forces himself to speak, fingers fidgeting at his sides as he whispers, "And now?"

Jared shrugs, a rueful smile tugging at one corner of his lips. "Dunno. It... I guess it changes some things. Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"If you want. I don't know. I wasn't really expecting this."

Jensen snorts out a laugh, the sound surprising the both of them. Jared's face splits into a slow, sweet smile and Jensen feels some of the tension drain free. "Yeah, uh," he says, lifting a hand to scratch at his neck. "I wasn't really planning on ever telling you."

"I'm glad you did," Jared says, softer, his smile slipping a little.

"I thought you'd hate me."

"I could never hate you."

Jensen can't help his smile then as warmth blooms inside his chest, pushing outward by the second as Jared watches him. "So, what now? What do we--"

 _BANG!-BANG!-BANG!_

Jensen jumps at the sound, words cut short as Jared springs away from the shaking door.

"Hey, you about done in there?" comes a voice on the other side. "Got some people out here who really need to pee!"

"Shit," Jensen breathes, darting a glance at Jared. He doesn't know how long they've been in here, but he's pretty sure it's been enough to arouse suspicion. Not to mention the fact that he hadn't exactly been quiet in the heat of the argument; there's no telling what anyone beyond that door had heard.

But Jared just shouts right back: "Use the one upstairs!"

"Someone's in there!"

"Then-- hell, go find a bush or something!" Jared snaps. "Kitchen sink, I don't care."

Jensen doesn't bother trying to curb his laugh, the sound bubbling out of him as the guy on the other side of the door gives another hard thump and grumbles, "Asshole!"

Jared watches him, his smile growing by the second and his voice softens when he says, "I hope Katie's mom heard that."

"I really hope she didn't," Jensen says with complete sincerity, though he can't seem to stop smiling. He feels practically giddy all of a sudden, invincible. Like he and Jared are finally on the same page for the first time in years, that everything's right, just as it should be. Like inside this tiny room with the blue tiles and seashell wallpaper, they're _safe_.

When Jared takes his hand a second later, hesitantly twining their fingers together, Jensen feels it down to his toes. And he knows there's no going back.

:::

It takes another week before Jared finally gets up the nerve to break it off with Sandy and he spends the entire time beforehand feeling like a first rate asshole. She doesn't take it well; Jared hadn't really expected her to. Mostly because the reason he gives her kind of sucks.

"You still like me," she says to him, repeating his words, but with an altogether different tone.

"I-- yeah," Jared says, cringing. "I really like you, but it's... kinda complicated."

"It's not _complicated_ , Jared. You either want to go out with me or you don't."

Jared wants to argue that, but he isn't quite sure how. He'd promised Jensen he wouldn't tell anyone and, if he's completely honest, he doesn't want anyone to know either. Not because he's ashamed, but because he just doesn't know how anyone else will react and he's not really looking forward to finding out.

Plus, it's not like he and Jensen are really _dating_. Not exactly. Dating, as far as Jared's always understood it, means maybe paying for dinner and going to the movies and talking on the phone for hours at a time. He and Jensen are more... well, it's like they always used to be, but just amplified a little. For the first time in months, Jared feels like he has his best friend back, but it's even _better_ now. They kiss sometimes. Sit closer on Jared's bed while they talk and study and play X-box. Rough house and wrestle, but with an edge to it that always leaves Jared hard and Jensen red-faced and gorgeous and panting.

It's good. Really good.

Light-years better than it'd been with Sandy and he's really never had any complaints with her.

But he can't tell Sandy that. Not any of it.

"I guess..." he starts, eyes lowered, focused on seam of tile at his feet. "I don't know, I guess--"

"You don't," Sandy finishes for him, reaches out to grab his chin and force his face up so he _has_ to look at her. And that sucks even more because then he can see the way her eyes are watery and rimmed red. The way her bottom lip trembles a little when she says, "Why? What'd I do?"

"You didn't do anything," Jared insists, grabbing her wrist lighting and fighting the urge to step forward and pull her close. He's pretty sure that'd be a bad move right now. Is sure of it when Sandy grimaces and twists her wrist free. "I swear, this is just... it's something I have to do. I'm sorry, Sandy. I really-- if things were different, I'd still want--"

Sandy cuts him off with a rough, bitter-sounding laugh. "What's _different_ , Jared? Last week we were fine and now..."

"It's different," Jared says, practically pleading for Sandy to understand. "Please just-- it's not you, okay?"

"Oh God, don't even try the whole 'it's-not-you-it's-me' thing. I've seen way too many movies to fall for that one."

Jared frowns briefly and then lights up. Says, "But that's-- Yes! That's exactly what it is!"

She gives another laugh, just as humorless as the last, but louder. She's smiling too, but there's nothing in the expression that Jared recognizes. Her eyes are dark, face pinched. It's really kind of scary. "Whatever, Jared," she snaps, giving him one last hard look before shoving past him. "Have a nice life."

It's the last thing she says to him for two whole weeks.

Jensen notices after the first few days. They're leaning against the brick wall of the school, around the corner from where Jeffrey Dean is doubtlessly already waiting to collect Jensen from school, delaying the inevitable just a little bit longer.

"I think Sandy's really upset," Jensen says, voice low as their elbows brush.

Jared frowns, head ducked as he stares down at his shoes. "Yeah," he replies as he kicks at a loose clump of grass. "Pretty sure she hates me now."

They fall into a silence then, but not a hugely uncomfortable one. The breeze makes Jared's unruly hair flick across his forehead as he squints across the expanse of field that stretches out beyond the school. They're not quite alone, a few students still lingering, taking their time in getting to their cars or out to the practice fields, but no one's paying them any attention. For a second, he thinks about taking Jensen's hand, wonders whether he could get away with it, whether anyone would notice if he kept the connection tucked away between them.

But Jensen cuts that idea off at the knees when he says, "Do you regret it?"

It only takes Jared a second to get what Jensen's talking about and he turns to look at him, frowning faintly. Jensen's not watching him, eyes trained down at his feet, the thin line of his lips giving away just how much weight his question really carries, how important Jared's answer is.

"Well, I'm not really happy about hurting her," Jared confesses, his voice quiet. "That sucked. It's not much fun being an asshole, you know?"

Jensen nods, but doesn't look up, expression unchanged.

"But, if you're talking about whether I regret wanting this? You and me? I... really don't at all."

He's a little surprised by how sincerely he means it. He's thought about it a lot since Katie's party, about what this whole thing means, these feelings he has for Jensen, how huge they are. It's more than what he'd felt for Sandy, but not entirely different. Just... more intense. And scarier, too. Because he knows he has to hide it. And not just from Jensen's parents, but from his own, from the kids and teachers at school, from his friends. From everyone but Jensen.

Jared's never been very good at hiding what he feels. But he still doesn't regret it and doesn't think he ever will; it seems a relatively small sacrifice for what he gets in return.

He watches Jensen's face intently, notices the second he starts to relax, lips curving into a tiny, hopeful little smile as he turns to look over at Jared, head still ducked.

"Really?"

Jared finds himself mirroring the smile, a strange blush heating his cheeks. "You're my best friend, Jensen. Always will be. And now it's just... it's more. Better."

He feels a little ridiculous saying all that, like he's one step away from professing some deep, abiding love like every girl in every book they have to read for English. Even if he doesn't know if love is really what he's feeling at all. If it's not, it must be something close.

"Yeah," Jensen says, all-out beaming now and Jared's ribs feel suddenly a little too tight. "It's really good."

There's only one thing Jared wants to do right then and he shifts his weight toward Jensen, body curved away from the rest of the world as he grins down at Jensen with clear intent. Jensen's smile falters a little and his eyes go wide and it's the only thing that stops Jared from doing something phenomenally stupid out there in the open.

That and the voice that rumbles just beyond his shoulder.

"Jensen. You ready to go?"

They both jolt, Jared's shoulder hitting the brick wall as he whirls around to see Jeffrey Dean watching them, chauffeur cap low on his head and eyes dark.

"Yeah. Yes," Jensen says immediately, not even so much as glancing at Jared as he hurries away. "Sorry, we were, uh. We got caught up talking about our English projects."

"Mmm," Jeffrey replies, his hard features relaxing somewhat as Jensen passes him. "You need to start keeping better track of time, kid. Think I like dicking around this place waiting on you all day? Got things to do, man. People to see. Orders to follow."

The tone is just warm enough for Jared to know he's teasing, but there's a certain threat behind it, too. Or maybe a warning. Jeffrey's always kept his and Jensen's interactions a secret from Jensen's parents, has even gone so far as to lie for them, driving Jensen to and from Jared's place on the pretense of going somewhere else. But Jared's fairly sure the man has his limits, that there are just some things he can't and won't condone.

"Sorry," Jared says, for him and Jensen both.

"It's cool," Jeffrey says with an easy shrug as Jensen disappears around the corner. "Just don't make it a habit, alright?"

Swallowing, Jared nods, still hoping like hell the man doesn't suspect anything.

And Jeffrey must see some of Jared's internal panic in his face because the guy cocks his head to one side, brows creasing slightly. "Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah," Jared says quickly, pasting on an immediate smile. "Yeah, I'm good. Just. You know."

Jeffrey nods and gives a quiet sound of understanding. "Jensen told me about you and Sandy. Sucks. But if it ain't workin', it ain't workin', right? It'll get easier, I promise. One break-up won't kill her." Pausing, his lips quirk into a teasing smile and he adds, "Especially from a goofy-lookin' kid like you."

Despite himself, Jared laughs. Relief and surprise making it genuine. "That's supposed to be reassuring?"

"Hey, it's the best I got."

Still smiling, Jared shakes his head and adjusts the backpack hanging from one shoulder. "Well... thanks," he says. "I guess."

Jeffrey Dean only nods, then gives Jared a quick half-assed salute before turning to head back to the familiar black car parked at the curb. Jared watches him for a moment before letting his gaze wander to the car itself, squints in a fruitless attempt to see past the dark tint of the windows to where he knows Jensen's sitting.

Something clenches tight around his insides at the thought of Jensen in there alone and he lifts a hand in a subtle wave. Just in case Jensen's watching.

  
**sixteen**   


"So are you guys, like, Sandy's bodyguards or something?"

Jared laughs around his bite of burger while Sandy grimaces at the display and rolls her eyes.

"Why, we making you nervous?" Jensen says, clearly trying to sound like he's joking around. Friendly. But there's a certain edge in his tone and Jared's own laughter stalls slightly in turn. He shifts in his seat to press his leg against Jensen's under the table, a quiet sort of reassurance.

They've only been here for about twenty minutes, just long enough to get their food, and it's been nothing but awkward the entire time. Jared is at least _trying_ to like the guy since Sandy's been all but begging them to meet him for weeks now. His name's Chad -- _"Chad Michael, actually, but, it's cool, you can just call me Chad"_ \-- and he goes to public school on the other side of town. Sandy met him at some kind of Academic Bowl competition or something.

He doesn't really seem like her type, but Jared's keeping that to himself. Jensen seems to be having a harder time.

"Psh. Right. Could take you both with my hands tied behind my back."

Jensen snorts and Jared does his best not to kick him under the table.

"Look, I'm just trying to figure out the deal here," Chad says. He's sprawled back, one arm draped over Sandy's shoulder, the other resting on the table, palm out as he talks. "Because, uh. No offense or anything, but this feels kinda like a double date." Before anyone can answer, the guy wrinkles his nose, lips twisting into a slow sneer. "It's not, is it?"

Jared can feel the way Jensen's entire body goes tense beside him and he knocks their knees together lightly, trying to calm him as much as can.

"Dude, chill. We're just friends. And Sandy's been talking about you for weeks so we figured we should check you out. Make sure you're worthy and all that."

He keeps his tone light and warm and it seems to do the trick, Chad's face breaking into a relaxed smile as he shoots a look at Sandy. "For weeks, huh?" he says and Sandy smiles shyly, ducking her head.

Jared can't help thinking that she doesn't seem very _Sandy_ -like with this guy. He's not sure how he feels about that.

"Well, I am pretty fucking awesome," Chad concedes, pulling Sandy in closer. "Chicks can't help but be drawn to me."

"I think I'm gonna hurl," Jensen mutters and Jared fakes a cough to cover it up, managing a pained, reassuring smile when Sandy asks him if he's okay and Jensen just continues glaring.

The rest of dinner is largely more of the same with Jensen barely bothering to contain his disdain for Chad while Jared and Sandy do their best to gloss over it. Jared actually finds himself kind of liking the guy. He's a little inappropriate and definitely kind of douchey, but he's funny, too. His jokes are crass and low-brow, but they have Jared genuinely guffawing halfway through dinner even with Jensen stewing beside him.

They go to a movie after, the latest Will Farrell comedy that Jared's been excited to see for awhile, and he makes a point of putting as much space between Jensen and Chad as possible. Sandy seems to have the same idea, the two of them managing to crowd in together with their respective dates on opposite sides.

"I hate this," Jensen grumbles as the lights dim and Jared squirms in his seat, shifts so that he can hook his ankle with Jensen's in the darkness.

"Really? You're doing a great job of hiding it," he says with obvious sarcasm, head ducked and voice low. "It's just for one night. Stop being such an ass."

" _I'm_ the ass?" Jensen hisses. "Chad Michael What-the-Fuck spends twenty minutes talking about the genius of South Park and _I'm_ the asshole?"

"Dude. I like South Park."

"Yeah, but you've never claimed it's greater than Shakespeare."

Jared smirks despite himself, voice still hushed as the previews start rolling. "Cut him some slack. Pretty sure he doesn't even really know who Shakespeare _is_."

"Yeah, because that makes it better," Jensen growls. "How the hell is he even _in_ Academic Bowl? Seriously. He has a lower IQ than my left kneecap."

Smirking, Jared just settles his hand on said kneecap, squeezing lightly before sliding it up to Jensen's thigh, letting it rest there. Jensen shifts a little, but doesn't shove him off. It's dark enough to go unnoticed and Jared doubts Chad's going to bother looking over at them when he has Sandy right beside him anyway.

"Relax," Jared murmurs. "It's just one night."

Jensen takes a slow breath then and Jared can feel the tension in his thigh slowly drain away. It's not gone completely, Jared knows, but he's just hoping they can all make it through the rest of the evening without his boyfriend attempting homicide.

After a few more minutes, Jensen drops one hand over Jared's, thumb hooking gently to keep him there as the previews start.

"Sandy owes us so bad for this one," he says.

Jared chuckles and leans in. Whispers, "I'll make it up to you," against Jensen's ear and revels in the way it makes him shiver and tighten his grip on Jared's hand.

:::

They'd gone pretty fast at the beginning. From slow kisses to heavy petting to greedy mouths and naked skin and grappling, eager, desperate hands within a few short months. All uncoordinated, gangly limbs as they scrambled and slotted together, rutting and grinding on Jared's bed while whining into each others mouths. It'd taken some experimenting and practice and Jensen had had his fair share of freak-outs along the way, but in time they'd found what worked best for both of them and Jensen slowly came around to accepting what felt good and just going with it. For the most part anyway.

The first time Jared touched him, Jensen had come on the spot, shaking and red with embarrassment as Jared muffled a laugh against Jensen's neck. Sticky and wet in his jeans, Jensen had briefly ignored the tremor of shame and guilt as he fumbled a hand over Jared's crotch, immediately vindicated when Jared gasped and arched and shook, spilling before Jensen could even pull down the zipper.

It'd taken Jensen three weeks to so much as kiss Jared again after that, but since then, he's gotten better. A lot better. The guilt is still there almost constantly, but he's learned to ignore it. Because having the power to make Jared say his name in just that perfect pitch feels more incredible than anything else ever. However wrong it may be, Jensen can't quite get enough of it.

He's learned Jared's tells now, knows just by the hitch of his breath and the arch of his back when he's ready. Has it down to a science. An art. And he's sure nothing else could ever be this good.

"Jensen-- God, Jensen, _please_ \-- gonna-- gotta--"

Smirking, Jensen backs off, lips pleasantly sore, as he drags his hand up the length of Jared's shaft, squeezes tight just below the crown. It's slick with spit and pre-come, messy in the way Jensen's learned to love.

Jared has his head tipped back, neck and chest flushed red. His hips jerk and he bends one leg at the knee, foot pressed to the mattress for leverage as he fruitlessly tries to fuck into Jensen's fist.

"You're close," Jensen says, happily stating the obvious. Grinning, he twists his wrist and slides his hand down to the root, presses his finger to the soft skin of Jared's balls, heavy and full and drawn up tight. His voice drops to a murmur as he continues, ducking low to press kisses along Jared's inner thigh, the hair there tickling his lips. "Jared... Jared, you're so hot like this."

" _Please_ ," Jared whines again.

Jensen grins when he feels Jared's fingers twist into his hair. His breath stutters on an exhale as he traces one thick vein with his tongue.

Hovering over the tip, he glances up. Jared's watching him, eyes wild and face glistening with sweat. His hair is everywhere, sticking to his forehead and cheeks as he nods, gently loosening his grip to touch his thumb to Jensen's temple like an apology.

"Yes. Want it. God, Jensen, _please_."

The hitch in Jared's voice is more incentive than the actual words and Jensen bends forward, shoulders squared as he wraps his lips around the blunt cockhead, tongue flicking quick over the slit before taking Jared in deep. Jared grunts beneath him and draws his legs up, spreading wide as Jensen sucks and licks and groans around him, one hand cradling the full swell of Jared's balls, encouraging with every rough, stilted exhale.

He's gotten good at this. Really good. He knows how to control his breathing with his rhythm now, knows just how much of Jared he can take without gagging, knows the way Jared likes it best: hard and fast alternating with slow and sloppy, wrist twisting and pumping where his mouth won't reach. And he likes it, too. Can admit that now. Likes how heavy Jared feels on his tongue, velvety smooth and so, so hard. Likes the way it makes Jared keen when he does it just right, stomach muscles fluttering under Jensen's hand as he holds Jared down.

"Gonna-- gonna, oh God-- Jensen-- _Jensen_ \--" Jared whines half a second before his muscles snap tight.

It's just enough warning for Jensen to back off a little, smirking as Jared shoots, strings of creamy white hitting Jensen's chin and neck, catching on his lips. Jensen squeezes him through it, fingers slick with spunk as he draws it out, ducks to lick out the last drop drizzling from the tip, thick and sticky-bitter.

Jared hisses and jolts a second later and Jensen grins and finally relents, trailing messy fingers over Jared's hips and down his thighs as he lets himself drink in the sight of Jared sated and sweaty and stretched out beneath him. It's not the first time he's seen it, not by a long shot. But he still can't ever seem to get enough.

Jared's chest is heaving and he rolls his head, groans, "I don't think I can feel my toes."

He still has one leg bent and curled loosely around where Jensen's kneeling and Jensen reaches back to feel along his calf, wraps his hand around Jared's ankle, like he's trying to test it for himself. Make sure Jared's still in one piece. He cleans his face with his other hand, the scent of Jared's sweat and jizz overwhelming his senses, thick and musky. It's kind of gross, but it's also kind of awesome. He likes when his skin smells like Jared.

When Jared finally opens his eyes, Jensen's already grinning, giddy with a weird sense of power. He always gets this way after making Jared come, knowing he's the only one who gets to do it, the only one Jared lets touch him like this. Jensen can hardly believe it sometimes. That it's _him_ ; that he got this. Even if it's wrong and sinful, in these moments, Jensen can't really bring himself to care.

Jared swallows when their eyes meet and Jensen doesn't miss the flicker of hunger in the look.

"Messy," he says, coy, as he sucks one finger into his mouth. The mixture of Jared's come and his own sweat is sharp.

He doesn't have long to enjoy it before Jared's got a hand around his wrist and is pulling him down. Jensen goes willingly, laughing as their chests collide, his dick trapped between them.

"Hi," he says.

Jared's gaze flickers between Jensen's eyes and his mouth and his lips twitch into a grin. "Hi."

Jensen shifts a little, squirms until he's got one leg on either side of Jared's waist and an elbow on the mattress. They're touching everywhere from chest to ankle, sweat making their skin stick together and Jensen lifts a hand to brush the hair away from Jared's face, trails a finger down the slope of his cheekbone to his lips.

For a long time, they say nothing at all. Jensen traces slow, thoughtful patterns into Jared's skin and lets the burning need between his legs simmer. Jared's hands slide down his back, warming him from shoulder to bottom, fingers skimming along the slope of his spine, like he's learning Jensen by touch, memorizing the feel of muscle and bone. Jensen arches into it, his dick dragging along the smooth plane of Jared's stomach with every slow roll of his hips. It's not nearly enough friction to get him off, but it's still good. More than good. Especially with the way Jared's mouth opens under his own when Jensen ducks in for a kiss, all warm and inviting and lazy slip-slide of tongue on tongue.

When Jared speaks again, it's barely a whisper, hushed against Jensen's mouth. "Feel good."

Jensen smiles and hums his own appreciation as Jared's hands settle on his hips, breathes into Jared's open mouth before taking another taste.

He always likes this part especially, Jared warm and loose underneath him, sleepy and giddy from his orgasm. Jared's always pretty affectionate, but even more so in these moments. He becomes all hands and soft words, ends up murmuring all kinds of stupid things that would normally embarrass both of them.

"Never leave me," he says this time, quiet and airy and Jensen pulls back a little, grinning.

"Never? What if I have to pee?"

"Mmm," Jared rumbles, spreading his hand over Jensen's ass and holding tight. "Could be interesting. Tell me more."

"Gross," Jensen snorts, but he's still smiling as he leans down to bump his nose against Jared's.

Jared tips his head back for another kiss and Jensen teases him, pulling back and then leaning in again as he shifts his hips, bears down gently into the meat of Jared's stomach. He knows Jared can feel how hard he is. They'll take care of it soon.

"'m serious," Jared whispers when he finally catches Jensen's lips, nipping lightly at the bottom one before pulling back a little to stare up at him. "Wherever you go, I wanna go, too. Don't care where it is."

Jensen's smile falters a little then, the sincerity in Jared's tone catching him by surprise and slicing straight to his core.

Swallowing, he says nothing for a long moment and then whispers, "I'm not going anywhere."

And Jared looks right back, not a hint of teasing in his gaze. "Promise?"

"Yeah, I... I promise," he says, still frowning slightly. "Where would I go?"

"Dunno," Jared says, but Jensen can tell he has some ideas, can see it in the way Jared's eyebrows bunch and his lips twitch downward. "High school has to end at some point, right? Can't stay here forever."

"Watch me."

Jared laughs a little, but it sounds strained as he smooths a hand up Jensen's back. Jensen shivers, but doesn't look away, keeps his eyes locked on Jared as Jared pulls in a soft breath and says, "I'm really not kidding. I want this forever," like it's a confession.

"Jared," Jensen breathes, eyes falling shut under the weight of the words.

He opens them only when he feels Jared's hand on his face, thumb sliding along his cheekbone to the corner of his lips. "You're my best friend," Jared says, soft enough that Jensen barely hears him at all.

"Forever is a really long time," Jensen replies, but it doesn't feel like an argument. Not really.

And apparently Jared gets the same idea, his expression clearing into a soft smile as he swipes his thumb along Jensen's bottom lip. "Yeah. That's kinda what I'm hopin'."

Jensen laughs then, can't keep it in as he feels his chest warm and expand and he leans down to crash his mouth against Jared's. "You're crazy, you know that?" he says, dark and teasing against his lips.

"You love me."

Jensen growls softly in answer, his laughter turning hungrier as he presses in, his tongue sliding alongside Jared's. And Jared opens to it, tips his head back with a soft moan as his hand settles on Jensen's throat, fingers light against his pulse point. Jensen could get off like this, he knows, and he rocks his hips forward, relishing the friction as they kiss, wet and deep. The pleasure is building and coiling low in his spine when Jared pulls back and Jensen can't help the whimper that falls free as his eyes snap open.

"Jared--" he breathes, half a whine, already leaning in for more, desperate for it.

But Jared, mouth red and wet, turns his head. Grunts, "I want you to fuck me."

Jensen's breath catches and his heartbeat trips and restarts. It's not the first time Jared's brought it up, but it's still something they've never done, the idea of it filling Jensen with equal parts excitement and total panic.

That's going too far. Kissing and touching and even blowjobs are one thing; actually being _inside_ Jared is something else entirely. As long as they don't do that, don't go that far, Jensen can tell himself they aren't really doing anything wrong.

That they're just friends who fool around a lot and... apparently talk about things like forever.

Right.

Ducking down, Jensen hides his face against Jared's chest, tries distracting him with kisses and bites, tongue flicking out over the pebbled skin of Jared's nipple.

He gets a sharp hiss for his efforts and Jared's grip on him tightens. Blunt nails dig into his butt cheek as Jared presses him down, silently encouraging him to keep grinding against Jared's hip. And Jensen's more than happy to go with it, groaning quietly with every slow roll. He's already so close, if he comes-- if he does it just like this, it won't be an issue anymore. Nothing to worry about. At least for a few minutes.

"Jensen," Jared gasps when Jensen still doesn't back down, nipping and licking around the sensitive peak. "Jensen, c'mon. I know you wanna. I know-- God, _please_. I want it, too. Want it so bad."

Normally, Jared doesn't press the issue. Normally, Jensen finds ways -- ways that usually involve his mouth -- to distract Jared away from it.

He doesn't know if it'll work this time.

He doesn't know if he even wants it to.

Jared's hand slides inward, the tips of his fingers grazing the crease of Jensen's ass and Jensen's breath shudders again, lips slack around the peak of Jared's nipple. It's barely a whisper of a touch, but the intent is clear. He blinks, suddenly light-headed as the need sharpens, settles hot and heavy between his legs, Jared's questing finger sliding lower yet.

"Please," Jared whispers again, arching slightly beneath Jensen's weight. "I have-- I got stuff. Like, condoms and lube so it'll... it'll be good, Jensen. It'll be really good, I promise. _Please_."

"Jared--" It comes out a little choked, a little strained, and Jared's hands slide up his sides, gripping tight as Jensen hides his face in the curve of Jared's neck.

"Think about it all the time," Jared murmurs, low enough that Jensen feels the words more than hears them, a quiet rumble against his chest and a thrum against his lips. "Think about how it'll feel. It's-- I've tried it with my fingers a couple times. Just to see."

" _Fuck_ ," Jensen groans, hips rocking forward of their own accord, his dick already leaking.

"It feels good," Jared tells him, still quiet as Jensen's resolve starts to crumble. "Weird at first, but... God, so good. You have no idea, Jensen, it's so... I want you in there. Wanna feel you in me. Bet it'll be fucking _amazing_."

Jensen whines at the sound of Jared's voice, shivers with every promise, his teeth scraping the skin along Jared's collarbone.

And the thing is, Jared's not wrong; Jensen wants it. _God_ , does he want it. He's thought about it from both sides, about how it might feel to bury himself in Jared or have Jared inside _him_. It sounds painful and kind of gross, but he knows it has to feel at least a little good or guys wouldn't do it. It wouldn't be a sin. Every time his mind wanders in that direction, Jensen feels hot with shame and even hotter with arousal, dizzy with the conflicting emotions.

But he can't stop thinking about it. Can't stop _wanting_ it. More and more all the time.

And now Jared's offering yet again, _begging_ and Jensen can't say no. Doesn't want to.

His lips brush Jared's ear as he sucks in a shaky breath, one hand sliding from Jared's shoulder to his throat, slick with sweat. He can't form the words at first, can only manage a bare nod and Jared's hands move to his hips, settle there until Jensen can finally find his voice.

"Yes," he breathes and Jared's grip tightens, nearly bruising.

When Jared groans, low and aching, Jensen feels it against his palm, a gentle vibration that shoots through his arm and down into his chest. A twist of his hips and he can feel Jared getting hard between them, slowly thickening alongside Jensen's dick.

Swallowing, Jensen pulls back a little, meets Jared's eyes, which are as wide as he figures his own must be.

"I don't-- I don't really... do I just..."

Jared smiles at him, a gentle twitch of his lips and then leans up to steal a kiss and then another, clumsy and quick and happy. Grinning, he nips at Jensen's bottom lip, tugs at it with his teeth until Jensen's squirming and laughing softly with nervous anticipation.

Jared trails kisses up along Jensen's cheekbone and hairline and murmurs, "Don't worry, I'll show you," before turning his head and stretching one arm out to the side, fumbling with the drawer of his nightstand.

Jensen pulls back to watch for a second and then leans over to help. He has a better angle and, even if he doesn't know exactly where to look, he figures what they need shouldn't be too difficult to find.

"There's a little-- yeah," Jared says when Jensen pulls out the small cylinder of lubricant. "And a couple... probably near the back. I kinda. I was trying to hide them just in case my mom..."

Jensen shoves aside loose papers and coins and a tattered baseball before he finally finds it: a single strip of foil packets that unfolds like an accordion.

"Here, we only..." Jared's words trail off again as he tries to sit up. Jensen shifts back and off, giving Jared room to get situated and ends up crouched by Jared's knees, feeling suddenly a whole lot more naked. He watches Jared tear off one of the packets and set the rest aside, fingers sure as he opens the packet and glances back up at Jensen.

"Do you want me... I can do it if you want."

It takes a second for Jensen to get what he means, brow furrowing as he looks between Jared and the opened foil packet, and then scowls.

He flushes and snaps, "I know how to do _that_ much," as he snatches the packet from Jared's hands. His voice is sharper than he means it to be, anticipation and fear coiling tight in his gut as Jared scoots closer, apologizing quietly under his breath.

Keeping his head ducked, Jensen slips the condom free, finds it flimsy and faintly slick in his hand. He knows Jared is watching every movement, can feel the heat from Jared's gaze as he pinches the tip with finger and thumb and slides it on. Just like they've seen it done in Sex Ed. a million times, careful and clinical

"Yeah, that's..." Jared says and Jensen darts a quick glance at him, weirdly irritated. He doesn't need to be commended for knowing how to put on a stupid condom.

But that doesn't seem to be Jared's intention. His Adam's apple bobs when he swallows and he pulls in a rough, strained breath as he slowly eases down onto his back. "Fuck, that's... yeah. Okay. Okay, uhm. We need the..." he cranes his neck back and to the side, finds the tube Jensen had pulled out of the drawer and thumbs it open.

Feeling more than a little stupid just kneeling there with his condom-covered dick sticking out, Jensen finally moves, crawling up along the length of Jared's body as Jared squeezes some of the lube into his palm.

"Here," Jared says then and twists, reaches down before Jensen even knows what's really happening to wrap his hand around Jensen's cock.

Sucking in a quick breath, Jensen's hips jerk and he drops one hand to Jared's arm for support.

"Sorry," Jared murmurs, slicking him up gently as Jensen holds tighter, nails digging into the soft skin of Jared's arm. He can only stand it for a couple seconds and then he's batting Jared's hand away and reaching down to squeeze himself tight, eyes clenched as he struggles to get himself under control. _Not yet not yet not yet._

When the immediate need finally passes, he opens his eyes again to see Jared staring at him, lips twisted into a goofy, awed kind of smile.

"This is weird," Jensen says and Jared lets out a quick, surprised laugh, shakes his head.

"No, it's-- okay, it's a little weird. It'll get better. Here, uhm..." Jared twists back again and then rolls onto his stomach, a mess of ungraceful, long limbs before he knocks his elbow against Jensen's knee. "I think it'll be easier like this. If you... from behind."

As if to make his point more clear, Jared draws his knees up, ass high in the air and head turned to watch Jensen.

And Jensen just stares at him for a moment, takes in the sight of Jared bent and spread and waiting. His face is still flushed, but Jensen doesn't know if that's from embarrassment or excitement or exertion. Maybe all three. He looks almost golden in the light, the sheen of sweat making him practically glow.

"Right, uhm," Jensen finally manages as he snaps himself out of his daze and shifts to kneel between Jared's legs. "Okay."

It's already completely unlike anything they've ever done before. Jared's spread for him, vulnerable and trusting and Jensen drops his hands to the back of Jared's thighs, squeezes gently, hesitant to go further.

He gets a rumble in reply, low and soft as Jared's hips hitch back slightly. "Yeah, c'mon," Jared murmurs, upper body twisted to watch. "Just, uh... go slow when you put it in, okay?"

Jensen swallows thickly, gaze stuck on the pucker of Jared's asshole, pink and impossibly small. Pulling in a slow breath, Jensen lifts his hand and lightly ghosts one finger along it, stares in wonder as the tiny hole seems to pinch even tighter.

"Jared," he breathes, barely a whisper. "This isn't... I don't think I can fit."

"You'll fit, I promise," Jared assures him, words rushed on something between a groan and a laugh. "Just-- come on, just do it."

Jensen frowns, still dubious, and reluctantly scoots closer. Resting one hand on Jared's ass, he curls the other around himself and leans forward, guiding himself to Jared's hole. The resistance is immediate, blunt tip pressing and slipping along Jared's crack when there's no give, clumsy and slick.

Frustrated, Jensen forces himself to focus, scoots closer and tries again, grip tight on Jared's hip when he finally manages to push in -- _so tight, oh God, so tight_ \-- and stops sharply when Jared cries out in what can only be pain.

"Shit! Sorry!" Jensen says immediately, hand gentle on Jared's flank as he pulls back. "I told you it wouldn't. I'm sorry. This is stupid, we should just--"

"No," Jared growls, reaching down to grab Jensen's hand. "No stopping. I just... maybe if you-- okay, hang on."

Jensen narrowly escapes getting kneed in the head as Jared flips over. He sits dumbly as Jared grabs the lube again, squeezes more into his hand, but instead of reaching for Jensen's dick this time, he slicks up his own fingers, focused and clearly practiced in the task. When he draws his legs up and drops his glistening fingers down between them, Jensen can't help the sound he makes.

" _Oh._ "

"I can take this much," Jared tells him, voice straining a little from the position and Jensen stares, wide-eyed, as Jared slips his middle finger slowly into himself, one knuckle disappearing and then two. It's easily the dirtiest and hottest thing Jensen's ever seen, the nerves under his skin buzzing with want.

Jared's finger slides out easily before Jared's pushing it back in again, deeper this time as he starts a slow rhythm.

"Oh God," Jensen groans then, still staring as Jared fingers himself. "That's... it doesn't hurt?"

"A little," Jared grunts, smiling through a grimace as his hips arch up off the bed for more. "It's... it feels weird at first. Not bad. And if I get--" his breath hitches as he slides in another finger, "deep enough-- it's... God, it's really good, Jen. Really fucking good, I swear."

Jared's holding one leg up with his free hand and he drops his head back, moans loud and long as he works his fingers in deeper. There's a soft squelching sound only drowned out by Jared's groans and Jensen scoots closer, slides a hand to Jared's thigh and lifts slightly. He has a better view here, can see clearly the way Jared's ass swallows his fingers, skin reddened and stretched thin around them.

"Jared," he groans, one hand sliding down, feeling where Jared's fingers press in, slick and hot to the touch. "Are you..."

"Yeah," Jared answers, gasps as he eases his fingers out with another wet sound and grabs Jensen's, guiding them forward. "Try it. Put one in me."

Jensen's eyes snap open and he glances up at Jared's face. But Jared's not looking at him, still has his head tipped back, mouth open on quiet gasps and shallow breaths. "Please," he whimpers, pressing the tip of Jensen's fingers against his hole. "Get me ready for you. Please, Jensen."

Jared begging isn't anything new, but he's never sounded like this. The desperation is palpable, clawing at Jensen's insides, wearing him thin. But he's still hesitant, letting Jared do all the work, clumsy hand trying to press Jensen's finger into him. It doesn't work, Jared too strung out to focus and the angle all wrong.

So Jensen swallows and sucks in a breath and rests a hand on Jared's thigh as he adjusts and slowly... so, so slowly... presses his finger inside. Jared's wet with lube and Jensen watches his whole finger sink in, swallowed up in Jared's ass like it's the easiest thing in the world.

"Oh God," Jared moans, fingers skidding up to Jensen's wrist and holding tight, legs spread and shaking. "Oh God, yeah. _Yeah_."

Jared's burning up on the inside and Jensen can feel him clench tight, inner walls gripping Jensen's finger before he nudges it a tiny bit deeper, pushing a stilted gasp out of Jared. He does it again, watches the way Jared's mouth falls open on a silent moan before pulling his finger back and sliding it in again slower, gradual.

"More," Jared moans, one foot dropping to the mattress as he tries to lift up higher. "God, _more_. I can take it, I swear I can take it."

"Okay," Jensen breathes, more to calm himself than Jared and gently eases his finger free, lining up another alongside it. "Okay, uhm. Just... tell me if it's too much."

Jared only answers with a whine, the sound aching, like he just can't help himself, and Jensen bites his lip and presses forward, slowly sinking into him again. It's more difficult this way, so much tighter, and Jensen has to pause after only an inch or two, his free hand smoothing along Jared's thigh. He wiggles his fingers slightly and gently slides in deeper until his thumb is nudging right up under Jared's balls.

By the time he gets there, Jared's moaning uncontrollably, hips undulating with every slow press, his dick hard and curved up toward his belly, leaking freely from the tip.

"God, _Jensen_ ," Jared grunts, his free hand reaching blindly, grabbing at Jensen's shoulder. "Okay. Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready. _Please_."

Jensen doesn't stop, though. Not right away. He twists his wrist just a little, shifting the angle until Jared's practically screaming at him, back bowed like he's half a second away from breaking apart. Only then does Jensen relent, one hand sliding up to settle low on Jared's belly as he eases his fingers back and out, sticky and wet.

"Hand me the--" he starts, but Jared only blinks at him and Jensen shakes his head, leans up to grab the lube by Jared's shoulder and squirts some into his palm just like Jared had done before. He has no idea if there's such a thing as using too much, but he figures there's definitely such a thing as not enough and decides it's better to be safe than sorry, coating himself generously as Jared groans and whines beneath him.

"That's good," Jared says finally, words a rushed whisper. "That's good, that's fine, just-- come on. C'mon, _fuck me_."

Jensen doesn't know whether to laugh or tell Jared to calm down, but he's too anxious and desperate to manage either, just drops his hand to Jared's thigh and positions himself again. It still takes work, the slickness of the lube making Jensen's dick slide away more than once before he finally gets just the right angle and then-- oh, _then_ he's sliding inside, _slow slow slow_ , sliding in past the tight ring of muscle, Jared shocked silent and utterly tense beneath him.

"Oh-- oh my _God_ ," Jensen groans, stilling only an inch or two in, awed and shaken. The heat is overwhelming, Jared's body gripping so tight that Jensen's sure he could come at any second. He closes his eyes and breathes in slow, tries to think about his math homework and his brother's smelly gym socks, anything but the fact that he's _inside_ Jared. That they're really doing this.

Jared grunts and slams a hand down against the mattress, making Jensen's eyes snap open, his gaze locking with Jared's.

"Are you--" Jensen starts, whining softly with the struggle to keep still. "Tell me you're okay. Are you okay?"

Jensen panics in the quick few seconds where Jared doesn't answer, trembling, one hand still settled under Jared's thigh, the other curved around his hip.

Finally, Jared swallows, grunts out a, "Yeah, 'm fine," and then _bears down_ , forcing Jensen in that tiny bit further. Jensen nearly collapses under the sudden sensation, his hips moving forward of their own volition, pressing and pushing in, the fit seemingly impossible.

"Jared," he manages, barely a whisper as his body curls inward, curls over and stays there as he tries to catch his breath.

"In me," Jared replies, still strained as his hips arch once more, his entire body clenched tight around Jensen's dick. "Jesus, you're _in_ me."

Jensen can only whimper, heart hammering beneath his chest and head swimming. He can't think. He's balls deep in Jared's ass, connected at the core with Jared panting beneath him, red-faced and burning hot. There's no coming back from this, he knows. Nothing else in the world could ever possibly feel this good.

"Jensen," Jared grunts, the sound melting into a whine as he grapples at Jensen's arms and rolls his hips. "God, c'mon. _Move_."

It's half-plea and half-order and Jensen only manages a nod, arms shaking as he ducks his head and slides his hips back. Misjudging, his cock slips free and Jared grunts softly with the release. Jensen curses under his breath, embarrassed as he grabs hold of himself, re-aligns and pushes back in. It's even easier now, Jared's body apparently accustomed to him and he's deep inside again within seconds.

"Yeah, 'cmon," Jared says, one hand sliding up to Jensen's shoulder. "Don't stop. Do it again."

And Jensen does. When he pulls back this time, he's more careful, managing to stay in before rocking forward once more, smooth and easy, starting a slow and deep rhythm that has Jared gripping tighter, moaning louder. He fights the urge to speed up, just slides in and out, trembling with the effort to keep upright as Jared hooks a leg over his shoulder and takes himself in hand.

"God, yeah," Jared groans, stroking and tugging at his dick as Jensen rolls his hips forward, buried clear to the hilt. "I'm gonna-- so close, Jen. So fucking close."

Jensen makes a sound, a hitched, quiet whimper as his hips jerk forward. Jared's bearing down, holding Jensen deep so that all he can do now is grind forward, the muscles in his thighs and backside straining as the pressure builds, twisting and coiling at the base of his spine.

"Jared-- Jared, oh God, oh my God, oh--"

It's too soon; he doesn't want it to be over, doesn't ever want it to be over, doesn't want to be anywhere else but deep inside Jared for the rest of his life. His grip falters on Jared's skin, slippery with sweat as his hips buck forward and Jared's hand quickens, knuckles brushing Jensen's belly with every quick stroke. He tries to hold back, but he can't, he _can't_ , finally surrendering with a sharp cry, buried deep and folding forward, his dick pulsing and jerking, filling the condom as he comes.

When he opens his eyes, dazed and still twitching, Jared's staring at him.

"Jensen," he breathes, a whisper and then _arches_.

Jensen gasps as Jared clenches impossibly tighter around him and Jensen's dick gives one last feeble spurt as Jared comes, shooting hot and messy all over his stomach and chest, smears of milky white against golden skin. There's so much of it, even more than before. Or maybe it's that Jensen can see it all now, the way it streaks Jared's chest, mixing with his sweat and pooling down near his belly button.

"Oh God," he groans, still struggling to hold himself up as Jared blinks at him, eyes glazed and unseeing. Jensen knows that look, has seen it countless times now, but this time it hits even harder. He did that, he put that there. Holy _shit_.

They don't say anything for a long moment, the room filled with nothing more than their heavy breathing before Jared groans quietly and shifts. The movement makes Jensen's breath catch and his whole body tense up, his dick over-sensitive and still held tight in Jared's body.

"I think--" Jared starts, grimacing slightly as he shifts again. "Jen, can you...?"

Getting the hint, Jensen bites back a whimper and nods, holds his weight on one shaking arm as he reaches down and slowly pulls out. Now that the haze of lust is gone, it's definitely a little gross, but Jensen doesn't have many brain cells left to really consider that. He's worn out, muscles totally drained, and he drops onto his side and rolls to his back, arms spread, condom still clinging to his half-hard dick, sticky and uncomfortable. He doesn't even have the energy to pull it off.

"That was..." Jared says, only a whisper though it seems louder in the quiet of the room.

Jensen swallows. Says, "Weird. Amazing."

"Intense."

"Yeah," Jensen agrees, a soft laugh bubbling past his lips as he turns his head to look over at Jared. "I, uh..."

Jared's grinning at him, face still flushed and hair matted to the sides of his face. He looks completely used and utterly relaxed. His smile is blinding. "You wanna do it again?"

Jensen's answering laugh is loud enough to surprise even him and he brings a hand to his face, sticky and smelly as he tries to hide a blush. But he's nodding, too. Can't help it.

"Yes," he laughs against his palm. " _Yeah_."

The guilt will come later, heavy and smothering. But right now, he still feels amazing. Right now he feels whole.

:::

"I'm thinking Bond marathon," Jared says as they step outside. The breeze whips his hair across his forehead and he flashes a grin at Jensen as they jog down the steps. "Maybe all the Sean Connery ones? Or, like. We could pick one of every actor and do it that way. How many are there? Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig..."

"Timothy Dalton."

"Who?"

"He did _License to Kill_."

"Oh," Jared says, still grinning a little. "I can't remember if I've seen that one."

"We can skip it. Maybe just do Connery? He's the best anyway."

"You're just saying that because that's what everyone else says."

"Whatever, my point still stands," Jensen says, trying hiding a small smile. "So that's a no to Connery?"

"Not saying that," Jared says, grinning. "But Daniel Craig's hotter."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were basing this on purely shallow reasoning."

"Seriously? It's like you don't even know me."

Jensen laughs as they turn the corner and the conversation dies, settling into a comfortable silence. They both lean back against the brick wall, backpacks at their feet as they stare across the field and listen to the sounds of students running out to their cars, laughing and shouting into the arms of freedom. Jared won't ever admit it, but this is still his favorite part of the day, the one time he's guaranteed to have Jensen all to himself, even if it's only for a few stolen minutes.

"I think I failed Gibson's history quiz," Jensen says after awhile. He doesn't sound all that upset about it.

Jared glances over, frowning slightly. "Shit. You want me to help you out some?"

"N'ah," Jensen says, shrugging. "I have enough extra credit in that class that I could probably fail the final and still end up with a B+. It's ridiculous."

"Yeah, but. Can't hurt, right?"

Jensen arches an eyebrow and Jared can see a grin tugging at his lips. "Bet you could come up with some pretty fun incentives."

"Maybe a couple," Jared admits, voice dropping slightly as he moves a tiny bit closer.

They never do anything at school, that's a rule. An unspoken one, but strictly enforced if only because neither of them wants to deal with the repercussions of getting outed. And it's really not that difficult anyway. They're best friends, always have been. No one thinks twice about them eating lunch together or talking in the halls or hanging out on the weekends. So what if they don't hold hands or make out by their lockers or whatever like other couples? It's no big deal.

Sandy's the only one who knows the truth and only because Jared told her a few months after they broke up. For some reason, she'd been a lot more understanding than Jared had expected, though he thinks maybe she'd just been relieved that it honestly hadn't been anything about her. Aside, of course, from her not having a dick and not being Jensen. (Jared had resisted suggesting the cruel -- and untrue -- idea that she'd turned him gay.) Since then, she's been their greatest ally, frequently covering for them in subtle ways. Like always suggesting they go to school dances as a group instead of coupling off and letting them know when maybe they're watching each other a little too closely, acting like a little more than just friends.

It's helpful.

But out here, out in their normal spot around the corner from where the Ackles car sits waiting, Jared always feels like they're in some kind of bubble. They don't really have any privacy, but it _feels_ that way. It feels safe. Like they can be themselves for just a little while.

"So maybe a new plan," Jared says, his arm nudging Jensen's, their fingertips touching. It's the closest they really ever get to holding hands. "Simultaneous study session and Bond marathon."

Jensen smirks at him, a lazy twist of his lips that never fails to make Jared get a little hard. "How's that gonna work?"

"I dunno," Jared admits, his smile mirroring Jensen's as he leans in, voice hushed. "We'll figure it out. Gotta work in time for blowjobs, too."

He doesn't miss the way Jensen's gaze drops downward to settle on Jared's mouth, the look sending a familiar thrill all the way to Jared's toes. "You mean those won't be the top priority?"

"Well, the effects of the Cold War are extremely important," Jared says, curving closer and struggling to keep his voice serious as Jensen brushes his knuckles along the front of Jared's coat. "You wouldn't want your grades to suffer just for the sake of getting your dick sucked, would you, Jen?"

Jensen laughs, quiet and genuine and cocks his head to one side, watching Jared through his lashes. "Maybe we can do both at once?"

"I'm not sure how well I can tutor on my knees."

"Oh, I bet you could manage," Jensen says, voice low, laced with intent.

" _Jensen Ross Ackles._ "

Jared's blood goes suddenly ice cold and his stomach plummets to his feet as he springs back, whirls around to see Jensen's mom -- holy shit, Jensen's _mom_ \-- standing ten feet away, looming with dark, angry eyes. She's wearing a long, dark coat and clutching an umbrella even though it's not raining and, though she's nowhere near as large as Jeffrey, Jared hasn't felt so scared in his life.

"Mrs. Ackles," he breathes, voice barely a whisper.

Her eyes are like fire, burning into Jared's before she turns her attention to Jensen. "Jensen. I have been waiting for twenty minutes."

"Mom. I didn't-- where's Jeffrey?"

"That is none of your concern, young man. Would you like to tell me why you've been wasting my time?"

"I'm not-- we weren't--"

"I'm helping him with his history homework," Jared says, face red hot as he pulls out the lie. "We were just. Trying to figure out the best time to get together so we can--"

" _You_ want to tutor my son?" She says with such clear derision that Jared can only gape in response, heat creeping up his neck.

"He's helping, Mom. Leave him alone." Jensen says, pushing away from the wall, backpack in hand.

"Oh, I think I saw pretty clearly exactly what he's doing and helping is definitely not it," Mrs. Ackles snaps. "Come, Jensen. Stop wasting my time and get in the car. I still need to pick up your sister."

The Ackles' hatred for Jared and his family has never been a secret, but Jared's also never really come face-to-face with it before. Not like this. It's always been in the back of his mind, just a thing he and Jensen had to work around, no bigger than keeping their relationship a secret at school or coming up with reasons for Jensen to get away on the weekends.

But now, with the way Mrs. Ackles looks at him, like he's the most repulsive creature she's ever laid eyes on... it's like nothing Jared's ever encountered. He's used to being liked, makes it a _point_ to be liked, even. He's not even sure what to do with this blatant show of absolute loathing.

Jensen's between them, hand gripped tight around the strap of his backpack as he looks at Jared, wide-eyed and pale, clearly torn between wanting to run back to Jared and run and hide in the car.

Jared honestly doesn't know which he'd prefer either.

" _Jensen!_ "

The tone is harsh enough to make Jared cringe and he sees Jensen do the same, head ducking before he shoots Jared one last quick, apologetic glance and hurries off, disappearing around the corner. Leaving Jared alone and face-to-face with Mrs. Ackles.

She says nothing for a long moment, just watches him, gaze sharp and assessing, thin lips curled in disgust.

"I don't know what you want with my son," she finally sneers, "but if I _ever_ see you with him again, I can guarantee, I will make you regret it."

Jared's right hand curls into a slow fist at his side and his heartbeat kicks up a notch as some of his initial shock melts into pure anger. He manages to keep it check, not saying a word even as he feels his lips twist and his breath quicken.

Seemingly satisfied, she gives him one last look-over and then _smiles_ , bright and easy. Just like that. Says, "Wonderful, I'm glad we're clear. Give your father my regards."

Without another word, she turns and walks away, disappearing beyond the corner.

Leaves Jared seething and empty, shaking with rage and gut-twisting worry. This isn't the end and he knows it. Something tells him this is really only the beginning.

:::

Jensen spends the entire ride home with his stomach in knots. He can still see the shocked look on Jared's face and he seethes silently in the backseat, though a good portion of his anger is directed at himself. He should've known better, should've known that it was only a matter of time before they got caught. He should've been more careful.

"What's wrong?" Mackenzie asks when she climbs in the car, but Jensen only shakes his head and turns away, glares out at the neatly trimmed trees and pristine, perfect lawns that crawl by. "Oh-kayyy," she says, voice dripping with sarcasm before she leans forward. "Mom, what's wrong with Jensen?"

Jensen doesn't have to look to know his mother's watching him through the rear view mirror. He pointedly keeps his head lowered, eyes focused straight out the window as his blood boils.

"Don't worry about your brother, dear," she finally answers, her tone one of a razor-sharp sweetness. "How was school?"

Jensen wants to punch her in the face.

He goes straight to his room when they get home, slamming the door shut behind him and diving into his bed where he proceeds to have a temper tantrum. Or something close to it anyway. He pounds his fists into the mattress and knocks a few pictures off the walls with a violently thrown pillow, kicks at the footboard and does everything short of actually scream and yell. By the end of it, he's winded and sweating, chest heaving with every labored breath.

It's been ten years since Jared's dad stopped Ackles Industries from setting up new oil rigs in West Texas. A _decade_ and his stupid parents are still hung up on it, making _him_ suffer for it.

Jensen still isn't clear on all the details, but he's not an idiot. He knows enough. It was all because of some endangered beetle found only in that area of Texas, a tiny little bug that prevented Jensen's Dad from tearing up the soil and raking in another couple million. That's it. The entire Ackles-Padalecki war is because of oil and money and a stupid fucking _beetle_.

But whatever. Jensen doesn't care. Jared's his best friend; his parents can't take that away. So what if they have to be even more careful from now on? They can handle it. Jensen's become an expert at lying and it's not like they can embed a GPS tracking chip into his skin or anything. Maybe he and Jared will have to figure out a better place to wait after school or Jensen can say he's joined the German club or something and they can meet up behind the stadium. Whatever, they'll figure it out.

He's pointedly ignoring the other thing. The three-lettered thing. He doesn't know what all his mother had seen, but for now, he's convincing himself that she's only upset about seeing Jared and not... not anything else.

A sharp knock at his door jolts him out of his thoughts and he quickly swipes a hand over his face as he sits up. Grunts, "What?"

It's not an invitation, but his parents clearly aren't asking for one, the door clicking open immediately to let them in. Jensen doesn't bother hiding a glare as he mutters, "Yeah, sure, come in."

His mother shoots him a look, unamused.

They close the door and then stand there, studying him like he's a problem to be fixed rather than their _kid_. Jensen pulls in a breath and prepares himself for whatever punishment they're about to unleash. A punishment for _having a friend_.

Not that Jared's just a friend. But they sure as hell don't need to know that.

His father takes a step forward and crosses his arms over his chest. Says, "Son, we need to talk."

Jensen barely refrains from rolling his eyes. In his experience, _we need to talk_ really means _we're going to talk and you're going to shut up and listen._ Might as well get it over with.

"I'm listening," he says only when it becomes clear they're looking for some kind of reaction.

"You're mother tells me you've been spending your time in some... _unsavory_ company."

"His name's Jared," Jensen says, unable to keep out the harsh edge to his tone. "Might as well cut the bullshit."

"Language."

Jensen cuts a glance at his mother, but keeps his mouth shut. Waits.

"Yes, _Jared_ ," his father continues. "Jared Padalecki. Son of the man who tried to ruin us."

"He was just doing his _job_ , Dad. And it was _ten freaking years ago_. Why can't you let it go already?"

"He cost my business millions of dollars, Jensen! He cost _us_ millions of dollars!"

"Is that all you care about?" Jensen snaps, fighting the urge to jump to his feet. "This whole thing is about money. That's it! You don't give a shit that his dad works for the _government_ , that if it hadn't been him, it would've been someone else. All you care about is having someone to blame instead of just finding some place else to suck dry. What is _wrong_ with you people?"

"Jensen Ackles, you listen to me." His father's voice is practically a growl, eyes dark and dangerous as he steps in close. "You do _not_ talk to me or your mother in that tone, do you hear me?"

"Yeah, I hear you loud and fuckin' clear," Jensen says.

" _Jensen!_ "

"He's my best friend," Jensen says, suddenly empowered in his anger. Pushing to his feet, he ignores the way he's nearly shaking with rage, the urge to shove and hit his father almost overwhelming. "Do you even care about that? He's been my best friend for _ten years_."

"And you know damn well we have never condoned such an unhealthy--"

"You don't even _know_ him! All you know is his name. That's all you've ever cared about!"

"Jensen, calm down," his mother says, stern, but wary.

Jensen turns on her quick, hands clenched into fists at his sides. "No! This is such _bullshit_. You're punishing me for having a friend!"

"We're doing no such thing," says his father. "We're looking out for you, son. We simply don't want to see you led astray."

Jensen laughs. Can't help it. Loud and sharp and slightly hysterical. "Led astray. _Led astray?_ Seriously? You make him sound like a criminal! Or a cult leader!"

"He can't be trusted."

"How the fuck would you even know? _YOU DON'T KNOW HIM_!"

"Jensen, if you can't control your language, I'm afraid we're going to have to end this discussion."

"This is not a discussion," Jensen snaps, once again reeling on his mother, anger churning hot and terrifying in his gut. "This is you telling me what I should think and what I should feel. Well _fuck_ that. I'm sixteen, Mom. I can make decisions for myself."

"Your father and I have been discussing the possibility of--"

"I don't _care_ what you've been discussing! You can discuss all you want, but Jared--

"--you heading out east to finish your education. We feel the environment will be--"

"-- Jared is my friend. You're not changing that. Not-- wait, what?"

His mother watches him, quietly gauging before she continues. "We feel it will be a more suitable environment for you to pursue your studies. A focused curriculum, dedicated staff of teachers. Fewer... distractions."

Jensen blinks, all the fight suddenly knocked out of him as he looks from his mother to his father and back again. He's not sure shock is the right word for it. Pole-axed, maybe. In complete and utter disbelief.

"You're... you're sending me away?"

His parents exchange looks and his mother finally has decency to look mildly guilty as she frowns and takes a careful step toward Jensen. "We were going to discuss it with you before," she says, though Jensen can barely focus on what she's saying. "There's a wonderful boarding school in Connecticut that--"

" _Boarding school?_ "

"That caters to young men in the pursuit of an elite secondary education," she continues, voice sharper. "Jensen, this is a wonderful opportunity. We've already talked to the Dean--"

"I'm not going," Jensen says, nerves buzzing and blood rushing hot through his ears. "You can't do this. I'm not-- you can't just get rid of me because you don't like who I hang out with. You can't _do_ this!"

"Like your mother said, we were going to discuss it with you first," his father says, quieter, but no less stern. And right then, Jensen knows he's fighting a losing battle. Whatever he says doesn't matter; the decision's been made.

But hell if he's going to give up quite that easily.

" _Were_ ," Jensen spits out, literally shaking with the effort to hold in his mounting emotions, the mix of anger, betrayal, fear and hurt threatening to overwhelm him completely. "You _were_ going to discuss it with me, but... what, not anymore? Just because you saw me getting a little friendly with the local Anti-Christ, is that it?"

"There's no need for dramatics, Jensen," his mother argues and Jensen again lets out a sharp laugh.

"Oh, this is _nothing_ ," he promises darkly. He feels unhinged, wild with the injustice of it all, the idea that his parents want to send him away, that might never see Jared again. He steps in closer and lowers his voice, challenging. "Here, I'll let you in on a little something. Jared isn't just my best friend," he says as he looks between them. "He's been my boyfriend for two years."

The shock that colors his mother's face is its own reward, though Jensen can't help wondering if it's entirely genuine. As horrifying a thought as it is, he thinks maybe she knew. Maybe she's always known and just didn't want to believe it.

Somehow, that only makes him more upset.

"I love him," he says, darting a quick glare to his father, daring him to react. "You can send me wherever the hell you want, ship me off to fucking _China_ for all I care, but I won't stop loving him. Do you hear me? It's sick and sinful and everything you despise and I don't fucking _care_! You can throw me out, disown me, lock me in a car and drown me in the lake, but it's not gonna fucking change anything. Whatever you do your little boy's still gonna be a dirty fag. You think they'll still take me at your fancy boarding school if they know how much I like sucking dick?"

" _JENSEN!_ "

The boom of his father's voice knocks him silent and then he's only left with the hollow echo ringing in his ears. The enormity of his words shakes him, obscene and terrifying, rattles him hard enough to nearly send him reeling, but he manages to stay upright, fists clenched and chest heaving.

He doesn't move.

It's out there now. And all he can do now is await the consequences. Maybe his parents won't even bother having him sent to the other side of the country now. Maybe they'll just throw him out the door right here and be done with it. Save themselves the time and the money and the hassle of having a gay son.

He thinks it probably says something that he'd rather they did that. Jared's parents would take him in. Maybe Sandy's. He'd be okay.

But his father, red-faced and still clearly seething, only clears his throat. Says, "I'll make a few calls tomorrow. I think the sooner you get there, the better."

"No," Jensen says, cringing at how it comes out weak and unsure. Like he's actually surprised at his parents' cruelty. "You can't. You _can't_."

"I'm sorry, Jensen," his father says, sounding anything but. "You're my son and I'll always love you, but I simply can't stand by and watch you do this. I won't. You're not-- you're not _gay_ , Jensen. No son of mine possibly could be. It's that... that _boy_. He's gotten his claws in you, he's _manipulated_ you-- "

"No, he hasn't! He _didn't_!"

"Jensen, you're _sixteen years old!_ And I understand you think he's your friend, that's exactly what he wants, but he's _not_. I can promise you he's not. My God, Jensen, he has you brainwashed! That's the only explanation I can come up with for you using such disgusting, vulgar language! In front of your mother no less."

His dad's voice is nearly pleading now and Jensen thinks he should maybe take some comfort in it. Maybe his father really does care.

"Look into your heart, Son," he continues, almost imploring. "Talk to God. You _know_ it's wrong, you know He doesn't approve!"

Jensen wants to argue, wants to scream at his father and his God for being wrong, but the words won't come. There's a part of him, even now, that thinks his dad must be right. That loving Jared the way he does isn't natural no matter how true and strong and good it feels.

The emotions war and tear inside him: guilt and anger and shame, twisting violently, making his chest ache and his throat tight.

His mother steps in close then, reaches a hand up to touch his cheek and Jensen blanches, swatting her away before his dad grabs and yanks at his shoulder.

"You listen to me," he says, tone suddenly not gentle in the slightest. "I won't stand for this. You are going whether you like it or not. I'm calling the school up tomorrow and I'm sure Stephen will have everything sorted by the end of the week. In the meantime, I am not to see or hear of you _fraternizing_ with that boy, do I make myself clear?"

Jensen stares, tries to ignore the way his body trembles and his eyes sting as he manages a stilted nod.

"Yes," he says, stumbling back a little when his father releases him. "Yes, Sir."

"Good," his father says, hand still heavy on Jensen's shoulder, squeezing. The touch makes Jensen's heart clench and he ducks his head, eyes clenched tight as the shame twists tighter and tighter inside him.

Distantly, he's aware of them stepping away. Hears his mother tell him she'll send up his dinner, though he can't fathom ever having the appetite to eat.

She shuts the door behind her with a quiet click and Jensen crumples.

:::

When Jensen doesn't show up at school the next day, Jared knows something's wrong. When he doesn't show up at school for the rest of the _week_ , Jared knows something is very _very_ wrong.

He's called Jensen's house exactly three times in his entire life and each time he pretended to be someone else. Twice it was for legitimate homework reasons and once just to make Jensen laugh.

This time, he doesn't have the presence of mind to fake it.

"I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now," says the voice he's pretty sure belongs to Jensen's mom. A second later he's absolutely positive when she adds, "Who is this?"

"It's-- I'm a friend. From school."

"Right, yes," she says in that _tone_ Jared's coming to recognize as being reserved solely for him. All derision and thinly veiled contempt. "Jared Padalecki."

There's no point to hiding so Jared lets out a quiet breath, stomach still twisted tight. "Yes. Look, can you just-- I just want to know if he's okay."

"He's fine," she says quickly, nearly cutting him off. "Better now that he'll be in good hands."

"Good..." Jared says, his mind tripping over what the hell that's supposed to mean. He pictures Jensen getting _treated_ or something equally ridiculous, getting shipped off to some institution where they try to cure his gay disease. "What do you mean?" he finally manages to get out, not bothering to hide the tremor in his voice. "What are you doing to him?"

"We're not _doing_ anything to him," she replies, sounding insulted. "And I don't appreciate the implication that we are in any way harming him. This was his decision."

" _What_ was his decision?"

She doesn't answer right away and Jared grips the phone tighter in mounting dread.

"To further his education elsewhere," she says. Jared doesn't miss the slight shift of her voice, the way it wavers slightly. He doesn't know what it means exactly, but it manages to calm him somewhat, makes him believe she may be telling the truth. "Some place dedicated to his future, where he can more thoroughly focus on his studies."

Jared swallows. He doesn't need the translation.

"He's... he's choosing this?" he asks, barely managing to get the words out at all.

"We had a discussion," Mrs. Ackles says, her voice quieter still. "And we all agreed it's for the best. He leaves Monday."

"Monday," Jared echoes, disbelieving. Jensen's leaving _Monday_ and Jared doesn't even know where he's going or if he'll ever see him again. Doesn't know why Jensen would choose it, can't imagine he ever would and he says as much before he can stop himself. "Jensen didn't choose this. I don't know what you said to him, but he didn't-- he _wouldn't_ \--"

"Young man, I would appreciate it if you didn't speak to me as though I don't know my own son," Mrs. Ackles cuts in, voice ice cold once again. "I assure you he has made his decision and he _will_ be leaving. If you care for him at all, you will not harass him any further."

Jared's sure of it then, knows without a doubt that Jensen's not choosing this. A part of him is selfishly relieved, but it's swiftly overcome by a fresh swell of anger, all of it aimed directly at the two people taking Jensen away from him.

He takes in a breath and releases it slowly, doing his best to calm himself before he says, "Can you at least tell me where he's going?"

"I'm afraid not," Mrs. Ackles replies immediately. "His whereabouts are no longer any of your concern. And I would greatly appreciate you leaving us alone. Good day, Mr. Padalecki."

A click and the line falls silent, leaving Jared with his mouth open and words dead in his throat. His chest feels tight and there's a heavy weight in his gut. It's a hurt unlike any Jared's every known, acute and all-encompassing, consuming him from the inside.

Jensen's leaving. Jensen's _leaving_.

  
**eighteen**   


"This would be way more comfortable if you had a truck," Sandy says, shifting a little against Jared's side.

Laughing, Jared twists his head away to avoid getting her hair in his mouth. He winces when her shoulder jabs into his side and only relaxes again when she finally stops fidgeting. The car rocks under their weight, swaying gently with every movement and Jared holds still, windshield a cold slab at his back.

"I'm lucky I got a car at _all_ ," he says once she's finished. "What's that saying? Beggars can't be choosers?"

"I don't recall you begging."

"You don't live with me. Trust me, there was begging."

"For _this_?" Sandy says. He can't see her face, but he can imagine the way her lips twist into a grimace, nose scrunched up. "You could've at least begged for a BMW or something. Need to learn to aim higher."

"If you're gonna keep insulting my car, I'm kickin' you off," Jared says, clearly teasing as he slides a hand down to pinch her side.

Letting out a shrill shriek, Sandy swats at his arm, the car again bouncing. "Okay, okay, okay!" she insists, her laughter muffled as Jared pulls her in close, waits for her to settle, his head tipped back to stare up at the darkened sky. Sandy's hand falls to rest on his leg and she pulls in a slow breath as silence winds around them.

They stay just like that for a long few moments, nothing breaking the quiet but the chirping crickets and the steady, far-off drone of cars zooming by on the highway. It's peaceful. Comfortable. It's not the best night for star-gazing, most of the view obscured by a veil of clouds, but it's warm out and there's a nice breeze.

Jared knows he won't have too many more nights like this one. He's planning to make the most of it.

"I'm gonna miss this," Sandy says, her face ducked into Jared's chest as she lets out a slow breath.

"Mmm," Jared agrees, still staring upward, lips twitching into a half-smile. "Gonna miss me, you mean."

"No," Sandy replies. He can feel her smile against his shirt. "I'm actually pretty excited to be rid of you, but _this_... this is nice."

"I could just leave you here, you know. I don't need this abuse."

"Whatever, you love it."

"It doesn't have to be forever, you know," Jared says, moving his hand to Sandy's arm and squeezing lightly. "I mean, you're gonna come back on breaks and stuff, right? Christmas and summer. We'll still see each other."

Sandy's quiet for a moment, then says, "Yeah, maybe. But it still won't be the same. It won't be _this_ , you know? Just you and me."

"And Chad."

Sandy snorts a laugh, twists a little to look up at him, her face lit only by the moonlight. "I can't believe he's following you to Austin. He's like a lost puppy or something."

"He secretly wants in my pants. Tryin' to wear me down little by little..." Grinning, he shrugs. "Can't say I blame him."

Sandy groans and shifts again, digs her elbow into his side. "Don't even say that. Having one gay ex-boyfriend is enough. Having two who end up dating each other? I'd seriously have to consider offing myself."

"That's a little melodramatic, don't you think?" She gives a quiet grump, but doesn't say anything and Jared grins as adds, "Besides, I'd rather gnaw off my own testicles than date Chad so I'd say you're pretty safe."

"Wow, that's a mental picture I really could've done without, thanks."

Jared laughs and then snaps his teeth right near Sandy's ear, gives an exaggerated growling sound before she elbows him in the side.

"Okay, seriously. _Gross_."

"Actually," Jared says, tone more thoughtful, "if I had the flexibility required for that, I'd probably get distracted."

"Yeah, okay, that... really doesn't make it any less disgusting. What is it with boys wishing they could fellate themselves anyway? Isn't the whole point that someone _else_ does it and they can just... lie back and grunt a lot?"

Chuckling, Jared shrugs. "Guess every guy dreams of being self-sufficient."

"But, it wouldn't be the same. Like, ever. Jerking off doesn't feel the same as when someone else touches you, right? So the whole mouth thing wouldn't be any different."

"I can't believe we're having this conversation."

"You know I'm right," Sandy says, sounding far too sure of herself. "Think of the worst blowjob you've ever had and I bet it's still way better than anything you could give yourself."

Despite his better judgment, Jared finds himself doing exactly that, his mind wandering to the first time Jensen had gone down on him. Hesitant and embarrassed and completely inexperienced. It'd been messy and uncoordinated and Jensen hadn't figured out the whole teeth thing right away, but it'd still been incredible. Jared had lasted barely three seconds and he can still remember Jensen's face, cheeks flushed a deep red and eyes wide, a thin streak of slippery white clinging to his chin.

The memory is sudden and nearly visceral and he coughs abruptly, lifts a hand to scratch his jaw.

"Yeah, okay," he concedes, voice a little shaky. "So it wouldn't be the same."

Sandy's quiet for a second and Jared's sure she's basking in her moment of superiority before she sits back, looks him straight in the eye. "You were totally just thinking about Jensen, weren't you?"

"Uhm," Jared falters, heat flooding his face. "No, I was..."

"He was seriously the worst blowjob you ever had?"

"We were fifteen!"

"Yeah, but _the_ worst?"

"It wasn't-- I mean, even the worst with him was pretty fucking awesome, so."

" _Or_ ," Sandy says, cocking her head to the side, "more likely, all your sexual thoughts still center around him."

Jared frowns, a slow irritation prickling under his skin.

They never really talk about Jensen, not even when it's just the two of them; there isn't much to say anymore. But that doesn't mean Jared has ever forgotten. He still thinks about Jensen all the time, wonders where he is and if he's okay. If he's happy. If he's found someone new, a girl Jensen's parents will like.

He won't let himself consider the idea of Jensen finding someone Jensen likes. It hurts too much. Jared knows it's selfish, but he can't stop it; he still feels like Jensen is his.

"It's more than just-- we were together for two years, you know," he points out, unable to hide the defensive tone of his voice. "That's a pretty long time."

"I know," Sandy says, voice softening as she curls her hand over Jared's arm. "And I know he was your best friend, but he's been gone for over two years, Jared."

"What, and I'm supposed to just forget about him?"

"No. No, that's not... I'm not saying you should forget him. It's just. Baby, you've barely even looked at anyone since the day he left. It's... kind of weird."

Jared's frown deepens, irritation quickly coiling into mounting anger. He feels oddly betrayed somehow, like the one person he thought understood him in this whole mess had really been faking it all along.

But before he can even open his mouth to argue, Sandy's pressing a finger to his lips, dark eyes locked on his, quietly pleading. "You've graduated, you're going to college in a week, you'll probably only ever come back here for breaks and holidays and funerals or whatever. And who knows what'll happen after that. Where you'll be or what you'll be doing. And he's... I don't know. Probably headed to Yale or Harvard or something. Wherever his dad went. You really think he's ever going to come back here?"

"Yes," Jared says without thinking, only slightly muffled against Sandy's finger. He ducks away, gaze never leaving Sandy's. "Or I'll find him. There can't be that many Jensen Ackles out there, right?"

Sandy sighs, shoulders slumping as she brushes her thumb along his jaw. "You're kind of hopeless, aren't you?"

"I love him," Jared says, easy as that. "And I know he loved me too, so... it has to happen, right? He has to come back."

"Things change, Jared. People change."

Jared shakes his head, reaching up to grab Sandy's hand and pulling it away from his face. "Can we not talk about this?" he says and Sandy's frown deepens before she lets out another breath and twists her hand free, settling it over his chest as she rests her head against him.

They both fall quiet for a long moment, the silence tense and uncomfortable. There was an animated movie about a mouse separated from his family Jared saw when he was little. He doesn't remember much about the story, but he recalls a part where the mouse had stared up at the sky, at the moon and stretch of stars, and imagined his family was doing the same. That they were seeing the same thing from the other side of the world.

And it's completely ridiculous, but Jared still finds a weird sort of comfort in imagining Jensen's doing that right now, wherever he is. That he's just looking straight up and seeing the same dark sky. Jared wonders if he has a better view or if the stars is even more obscured, maybe city lights instead of clouds. If he's alone. If he's thinking about Jared.

"You think Chad has a chance in hell of making it through the first semester?" Sandy says then, her quiet voice knocking Jared out of his thoughts.

Jared exhales, lips twisting into a near-grin. "I'll be there to keep him in line."

"Lucky you."

"Hey. Someone's gotta do it."

He can feel Sandy's smile against him, feel when she turns her head to press a kiss right above his heart. Smiling softly, he runs his fingers through her hair and stares up at the sky, at the stars blinking through the clouds and does his best to ignore the dull ache in his chest. The one that never really goes away.

:::

Jensen lets out a breath as his parents disappear around the corner and then tips his head back, bright California sun warming his face. The air is pleasantly crisp and dry, so different from the humidity of the East Coast, and his shirt sticks to his back, skin sweaty from hauling box after box up to his dorm room. But it feels good. Like he's one step closer to freedom.

Danneel's already waiting in his room when he gets there, perched on the edge of what will be his roommate's bed once the guy bothers to show up. She's flipping through a magazine when he steps in and she glances up and smiles.

"So."

"So," Jensen replies, leaning back against the closed door.

She watches him for a moment and then sets the magazine aside and pushes to her feet. She's in shorts and a tank-top, hair pulled back and, not for the first time, Jensen finds himself noticing how incredibly beautiful she is. Even now, the realization comes as something of a relief.

Stopping in front of him, Danneel rests her hands on his waist and then slides them up over his chest as she crowds in closer, head tipped back to grin at him. "So I guess we have some time to kill before all the orientation stuff."

"Mmm," Jensen says, returning the smile as his hands settle on her hips. "Why do I get the feeling you already have something in mind?"

"Maybe because you know me so well?" she replies, leaning up to brush a kiss against the corner of his mouth.

"Hmm," Jensen says, turning into it, tasting the sweet cherry of her lip gloss before she pulls back, still grinning wickedly.

Jensen waits for the stir in his groin, but it doesn't come. It's not too unsurprising, but still disappointing. Danneel's gorgeous and he's sure he loves her, _must_ if he's willing to defy his parents and follow her all the way to LA. They'd wanted him to follow in his father's and brother's footsteps and go to Princeton, _'not let the premium education we paid so much for go to waste'_.

He hadn't ever outright said, "I'm going because I'm in love with a girl. A _girl_. Isn't that all you ever wanted?" but the implication had been clear enough and, in the end, they'd given in. Maybe not happily, but Jensen doesn't really care. He's here, one step closer to living his life free from the looming shadow of his parents. And he has Danneel.

"Come on," she says, grabbing the front of his shirt to tug him away from the door.

He doesn't fight it, lets her pull him in to the center of the small room where she slides her hands under his shirt. This part is easy now. Familiar. It hadn't been at first, but once he'd been able to shove aside the aching memory of Jared every time Danneel touched him, it'd gotten easier.

And now it's something he welcomes. Danneel runs a hand up his bare back and presses close and Jensen closes his eyes and remembers Jared's smiling face, the crinkle of skin near his eyes and the mole high on his cheek. Remembers the way Jared's hand fit over Jensen's hip, the taste of Jared's skin, sharper and heavier than Danneel's, always smelling a little bit like grass instead of the cucumber melon or whatever it is she always wears. He remembers the way they could just kiss for hours, until their lips went numb and they were both spent and sticky in their jeans.

It's terrible, a sick kind of betrayal, but Jensen always comes hardest in those moments of remembering. So he doesn't stop.

He and Danneel kiss right there, right in the middle of the room, surrounded by unpacked boxes and bare, cement walls. Long, wet, lazy kisses that make Jensen groan and press forward as his dick slowly thickens in his jeans. And Danneel's good, knows just how much to give and how much to take, knows that he likes it when she runs her nails down his back. Sometimes he doesn't have to think of Jared at all to get off, sometimes it only takes Danneel's teeth at his neck and small, delicate fingers around him.

Even if he never comes quite as hard, he still relishes those times. They feel more honest. Safe. It gives him hope that he won't always be this way.

They don't get that far this time. He has his fingers at the back strap of Danneel's bra and she has one thumb hooked in the waistband of his jeans when the door flies open.

Jensen jumps away, roughly clearing his throat as his cheeks heat red and the guy in the doorway only gives him a smirk.

"Shit, don't let me you stop you," he says, motioning at them with the guitar case he's holding in one hand.

"We weren't--" Jensen stammers, swallowing tightly as he shoves a hand into the pockets of his jeans, tries fruitlessly to look as innocent as possible. "It's cool, we weren't doing anything. She was just, uhm... she had something in her--"

The guy sets his guitar down and then holds up one hand, interrupting with, "Okay, chill. I'm your roommate, man, not your mother. Give it a rest."

Still mildly bewildered, Jensen stares at the guy. He's shorter than Jensen with a goatee and long brown hair that touches his shoulders. His smile is a little crooked and a lot warm and he shoves a hand out.

"Name's Chris Kane," he says and Jensen nods, recognizes it from the pamphlet he'd gotten that morning. "You can just call me Kane if you want. Or Chris. Whatever."

"Jensen," he says as their hands lock together in a firm grip.

"Right, Jensen Ackles," the guy -- _Chris_ \-- says, tugging Jensen forward to clap his free hand on Jensen's shoulder. "Helluva name, boy. Good to meet you."

There's something comforting in the guy's voice, something about the lilt of it that's closer to home than anything Jensen's felt in a long time. He's smiling before he even realizes it, shooting a look to Danneel when Chris lets go.

"I'm Danneel," she says, smirking faintly as Chris looks to her. "Jensen's girlfriend."

"Figured," Chris replies and Jensen doesn't miss the way Chris's gaze lingers on her a little too long. He's used to it, though; guys always notice Danneel. It's never really bothered him. Chris snaps out of it a second later, asking, "So, what, you droppin' the dead weight off here or did you two come together?"

"Together," Danneel says, shooting Jensen a small smile. "Didn't want to weather the long distance thing."

Chris eyes him and Jensen feels his face flush, scratches a hand along the back of his neck. It's weird the way the guy looks at him, like he's already seeing straight through and latching on to the lies Jensen's holding back. Jensen really isn't sure what to make of it.

"Hmm," Chris says and then flashes another bright smile. "Well, ain't that sweet?"

Jensen can't tell if he's being sincere or condescending, but finds he doesn't particularly care either way. They've only just met, but Jensen's pretty sure he likes the guy. He's not quite like anyone Jensen's ever met before.

Chris nods back over his shoulder then. Says, "Hey, so I've got a few more boxes to lug up, but when I'm done, I'm thinkin' of catchin' some dinner at Rendezvous. Wanna come? We can shoot the shit, get to know each other a little. _Or_ ," he adds, glancing to Jensen with a subtle leer, "I can just go by myself and leave you two kids to finish what you started. Up to you."

Danneel laughs, bright and easy as she threads her arm through Jensen's. "Dinner sounds good," she says and nudges Jensen with one shoulder.

And Jensen nods, doesn't look away from Chris for a second when he says, "Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great."

  
**twenty-one**   


Jared frowns down at the list in his hand and then back up at the fresh vegetable display currently busy being showered in a faint spray of water.

"Okay, got the cottage cheese and sour cream," Megan says, dropping two containers in the cart and then huffing a breath. "What's the problem?"

"Cilantro," Jared mutters, still scanning the greenery and the signs above. Carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, lettuce, asparagus. The stalks of green onion keep tricking him; he could've sworn they were what he was looking for.

"Seriously?" Megan says and Jared glances over, brow furrowed. "You've gone twenty-one years without knowing what cilantro looks like?"

"I know what it looks like when I'm _eating_ it," Jared argues and Megan rolls her eyes, a smile tugging at her lips as she turns and marches a few feet away. He stares after her for a moment before following, dragging the cart along behind him.

"Cilantro," Megan says, pointing at a stack of bundled leafy greenery before grabbing one. "Get me a bag."

"Huh," Jared says, studying the stuff for a second before doing as asked. "It looks different when it's all mixed up in stuff."

"Yeah. Funny how that works."

"Shut up, I've been living on ramen for the past three years," Jared says, still not bothering to hide his smile. He won't ever admit it, but hanging out and joking with his sister is one of his favorite things about coming home. They'd fought like cats and dogs back before he left for college, but it's different now. Apparently it's easier to handle younger siblings in small doses. "You'll get it soon enough. Just wait."

"No, see. I'm already ahead of you," she says, tying the bag closed and tossing it into the cart. "Because _I_ actually know how to cook. No ramen necessary."

"You say that now," he says, grinning knowingly. "Just you wait until all the papers start stackin' up and you have a million and one things to do and read and study. You have time for..."

His voice trails off as he notices a figure beyond Megan's shoulder, a familiar one with short brown hair and broad shoulders. The guy's fondling the onions, picking up one and inspecting it before setting it down for another. And, fuck-- fuck, Jared knows that face. It can't be, but he _knows that face_.

"Holy shit."

"What?" Megan says and Jared can see her twist around out the corner of his eye. He can't tear his gaze away though, staring unashamedly as the guy, seemingly happy with his chosen onion, slips it into a plastic bag and spins it closed before nudging his cart forward.

Jared's heart leaps and he's moving without a second thought, leaving Megan behind.

"Jensen."

The guy slows to a stop, his head turned to the side like he's listening, unsure whether to go any further. And Jared stays absolutely still, waiting and watching with his heart thudding painfully, breath held tight.

Jared swears it happens in slow motion: Jensen's got his back to him, head turned just enough for Jared to make out the arch of one eyebrow and curious lilt of his lips and then he's looking over his shoulder, looking right at Jared, gaze familiar and strange both at once. At first there's no sign of recognition in those green eyes and Jared feels his stomach seize, wrench tight with dread.

He sucks in a shaky breath and stumbles another step forward, a laugh bubbling free as he manages, "Jensen. Jen, it's me. It's--"

Jensen blinks, expression clearing. "Jared."

His voice is deeper, a low rumble that settles in Jared's bones, sends his blood rushing as he breaks into a smile. Relief and disbelief and pure, unadulterated _joy_ surging through his veins.

"I didn't--" Jared starts, breaking off on a quiet laugh as he takes another halting step closer. "What are you doing here? I thought-- man, I don't know. I don't know what I thought, just... God, you're _here_."

Jensen hasn't moved at all, just stands with his eyes locked on Jared. "Yeah, uhm. I'm here," he says before giving his own strained sort of laugh and then raises one hand. "Surprise."

Everything in Jared's body screams to rush forward and wrap Jensen tight in his arms, but he manages to hold himself back. It's been five years, after all. Five years of no communication whatsoever, five years of school and new friendships and new relationships. Five years of growing up. He's not the same guy Jensen met when they were both seven years old and he's not the same guy who kissed him in the middle of a friend's bathroom at fourteen.

And he's pretty sure Jensen isn't the same either.

"Oh, hey, I remember you."

His sister's voice effectively knocks Jared out of his daze and he sucks in a sharp breath as he turns. "Yeah, Jen. He's, uhm..."

"Visiting," Jensen says, shooting Jared a quick look. There's a question behind his eyes Jared can't quite read, but he thinks he gets the gist. Though now is really not the time. "Christmas break and all that."

"Dude, I come back every year and I've never seen you," Jared says. He doesn't mention that he's made a point of checking, that he's maybe even driven past the Ackles Estate more than once each time just to get a closer look. He doesn't particularly like the idea of Jensen thinking he's turned into some kind of creepy stalker.

"Yeah, uhm," Jensen says, laughing softly as he gives a sheepish smile. "This is the first time in awhile."

"Five years," Jared says without thinking and he swears Jensen winces, his voice quieter when he agrees:

"Yeah."

"Well, I sure don't blame you," Megan cuts in, giving Jared a look he knows all to well. One that's a little too knowing and promises hours of pestering. He's already dreading the drive home. "I wouldn't want to come back either. Not to this place."

Jared frowns a little, but Jensen seems to relax, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he nods.

"It's not so bad," he says, shooting Jared another quick glance. "Could be worse."

Jared feels his chest lurch hopefully, words rushing free as he says, "Hey, so. How long you gonna be here? We should... you know, get together. Maybe go out for drinks or somethin' sometime. If you want."

Jensen's eyes go a little wide and Jared's heart stops for a second because he's sure Jensen's about to say no. Not that Jared will ever take that for an answer, but he doesn't like the idea of having to pressure Jensen into anything.

But then Jensen blinks and the startled look Jared had seen is gone, replaced with a strained sort of smile. "Yeah, we should. That'd be, uhm. I mean, I have some family stuff to take care of, but once that's out..."

"Yeah, yeah, of course," Jared says on a heavy exhale, his smile threatening to split his face in two. "No problem. Just-- call me and we'll work it out. Whenever, seriously. Here, let me give you my number."

When he realizes he doesn't have a pen, Megan rolls her eyes and pulls one out of her purse, clicking it in his face as he rips off a blank piece of the grocery list. He hurriedly writes down both his cell phone and home numbers (the home one hasn't changed, but he doesn't know if Jensen remembers it and isn't about to ask) and hands it to Jensen.

Jensen nods down at the pen in his hand. "I can... should give you mine while we're at it."

"Right, yeah," Jared says, thrusting the pen toward him. "Good idea."

A few seconds later, Jensen tears off a tiny piece of that same paper and hands it over. Their fingers brush briefly at the hand off and Jared tucks the sliver into his palm.

"Great, so," Jensen says, holding up his piece with a small, awkward smile. "I should finish up here, but, uhm. I'll call you."

"Yeah," Jared agrees, taking the hint and nearly colliding with his sister as he takes a step back. "Yeah, cool, I'll just let you... It's really good to see you."

Jensen laughs, a quiet light sound that makes Jared's chest tighten all over again. "You, too," he says, smiling that smile Jared recognizes completely. The one that used to be reserved solely for him. One he'd begun to think he'd never see again.

It's gone when Jensen looks to Megan, giving her a nod goodbye and then turning back to his cart.

Swallowing, Jared watches him walk away, the wheels of the grocery cart squeaking against the tiled floor.

Megan clears her throat a moment later and Jared feels his face flush red when he meets her eyes.

"I have no idea what just happened right here," she says, crossing her arms over her chest and arching an eyebrow, "but it was something and you are _so_ telling me."

Ducking his head, Jared slips Jensen's phone number into his front pocket and grabs the cart. "Later," he promises and hands over the list. "What's next?"

Unamused, Megan stares for a long moment, eyes narrowed and then lets out a breath. "Fine. We need bread rolls and cereal. And don't think you're getting out of this."

"Right," Jared murmurs, aiming the cart for the bread aisle.

:::

Jensen keeps the slip of paper on top of the dresser in his old bedroom, folded and propped like a Christmas card. It taunts him every time he pulls out a pair of socks or underwear, every time he checks the clock. Silent and tempting.

A part of him had been aware this could happen, that bumping into Jared wasn't totally out of the realm of possibility. But he hadn't let himself think about it too much and he certainly hadn't let himself _hope_. What were the chances, after all? It's been five years. He knew the Padaleckis were still around -- his parents were still prone to mentioning them in snide, unfriendly tones from time to time -- but he always figured Jared would get out after high school. Move away and make a life for himself, settle somewhere as exciting and vibrant as him, somewhere people could really appreciate him.

Of course, the chances also favored Jared being in a relationship now. Maybe not married, but certainly _with_ someone, a girl or a guy. It shouldn't matter, but Jensen can't help hating the idea of it. What they had is long past, buried away with a part of his life that hurts too much to think about. He's over that. He has to be. Hell, he'd moved all the way across the country for a girl three years go. And yeah, they hadn't worked out in the end, but that still had to mean something.

He's still staring at the paper when his phone starts ringing, shocking him out of his daze. His heart skips and his fingers fumble as pulls it out of his pocket and is both disappointed and relieved when the caller ID declares CHRIS in bright blue letters.

"Hey," he says, unable to hide the gruffness in his tone.

And, of course, Chris picks up on it. "Whoa, hey. What's up?"

"Dude, you're the one callin' me."

"You're the one answering like you got somewhere to be. Am I interrupting something?"

Jensen darts a glance at his dresser and shakes his head, turns away with his shoulders. "No, it's cool. Just... distracted. What do you need?"

"Distracted," Chris echoes, clearly ignoring the question. Jensen can just picture him pursing his lips in thought and prepares himself for the inquisition. "Hmm. How to decipher that. This got somethin' to do with your parents? They still King and Queen of Prickville?"

Jensen snorts a laugh despite himself, crossing one arm under the other. "Not if that makes me Prince of Prickville."

"Shit, son. I'd think you'd love that. All those willies at your command. Heaven, bro." It's a joke; Chris is constantly making comments like these, subtle, teasing implications that never fail to make Jensen stammer and flush even though he knows Chris doesn't mean anything by them. After three years he should really be used to it, but it still always catches him off-guard. Even though they really shouldn't.

"You're sick," Jensen says, managing to keep his tone unaffected.

"Are you gonna tell me what the hell's a matter or are you gonna keep deflecting like a little bitch?"

"This can't be why you called."

"Sure it is. You and me are psychically linked. Remember that one night we got totally wasted and you tried sticking a jello shot cup on your toe because you thought it was a sandal? Happened then. I put shit in the jungle juice, dude. Some... weird potion thing. Got it from a chick in my physics class."

"If we were psychically linked you wouldn't have to ask me what's wrong."

"Aha! So you admit there _is_ something wrong," Chris proclaims. "Good. First step to recovery is admitting there's a problem. Second step: spilling your guts."

"You're an asshole."

"I am. I'm also your roommate, confidante, compadre and best fuckin' friend so tell me what the hell's gettin' your panties in a pinch before I gotta whip out the big guns. I have a Danneel and I know how to use her."

Jensen sighs heavily and drops onto the bed. Gnawing at his lip, he thinks over his words and then realizes it doesn't really matter how he says it. Chris will be able to see right through the bullshit and wheedle out the rest with irritating efficiency borne of pure determination. Might as well just go for the kill.

"Saw Jared the other day."

"Jared," Chris echoes, voice quiet and unnervingly thoughtful. "Ah, my illustrious predecessor."

There is no way in which Jared is Chris's predecessor; they belong in two completely separate categories and he's fairly sure Chris would agree if he knew the whole truth. But he bites back the impulse to say as much. That's not really something he plans to reveal. Not now and possibly not ever. So he just says, "It's just... weird, I guess. It's been awhile. He wants to go out for drinks, but that's bound to be awkward, right? I mean, what could we possibly talk about?"

"Hmm. Well," he says, drawing the word out slow, "you could maybe mention the little unfinished business between you two."

"What unfinished... what the hell're you talking about?" Jensen says, face heating inexplicably.

"Jenny, I've listened to you wax poetic about this guy since nearly the minute I met you. The way you talk about him, it's like you spent every second of your childhood attached at the guy's dick. Which is pretty impressive since you also never failed to mention how much your parents despise his entire family. There's a serious Romeo and Juliet vibe goin' on, dude, that's all I'm sayin'. Just... without the whole suicide pact thing so far as I know."

Jensen blinks, stunned into silence. Barely breathing. He's always known that Chris sees too much, _knows_ too much, but he'd really thought he'd managed to keep this to himself. It's the biggest secret he has and he'd had every intention of keeping it that way.

When Chris speaks again, his voice is softer and Jensen almost finds that more unnerving. "I don't know the details, man. Not really. But I know you've never talked about anyone the way you talk about Jared. You think you and Danneel just drifted apart? Nuh-uh. Far as I can tell, you never really had each other to begin with. I don't know what that kid did to you before you went out east, but it seems to me he's had your heart for a long time, buddy. And hey, maybe you think it's all bullshit, but I'm just callin' it how I see it."

"He didn't do anything," Jensen manages to choke out, wincing at the way his voice sounds small.

"What's that?"

"I said. I said he didn't do anything. He was just Jared. That's all."

"Alright," Chris says, the word drawn out into a slow, indulgent drawl. "So what's the problem?"

Jensen sighs, feels every ounce of his past heavy in his bones as he runs a hand over his face. He can't help thinking that if Chris has figured out this much, he should be able to piece together the rest. If only to save Jensen the trouble.

"That _is_ the problem," he says and then proceeds to spill the rest.

:::

Jared has both of Jensen's numbers programmed into his phone and no idea what to do with them.

So he does the only thing that makes any sense and calls Sandy.

"He's here," he tells her. "Jensen. _Here._ "

"Wait, Jensen? Jensen Ackles?"

"I ran into him at the grocery store. He was buying onions."

"Is he... oh, please don't tell me he's working for his dad now or something. I don't think I can take that."

"No, he's. Uhm, I don't think he is anyway. I really think he's just visiting."

Sandy groans, but he can hear the timber of relief too, and his lips twitch into a smile.

"He gave me his number. I think-- I should call him, right? What if he never comes back again? This could be the last time."

"What's he look like now?" Sandy says, seemingly ignoring Jared's crisis. "I bet he's still cute. He was always cute. Those _eyes_..."

"I always knew you liked him more than me."

"Well, you know," Sandy says, tone still teasing. "He never broke my heart, so."

"I didn't break your heart!"

"You broke my heart. I was fourteen. It was very traumatic."

"Sandy."

She laughs and then hums a breath. Says, "Seriously, tell me what he looks like."

"He looks the same," Jared says. "Taller. Uhm." He sighs then, smiling to himself as he runs a hand along his jaw. "God, he looks really good, Sandy. _Really_ good. His hair's different, shorter and kind of spiked. He still has the freckles."

"What, did you think those were just going to disappear with age?"

"No, I just. Shut up."

Her laugh is softer then and her tone shifts when she says, "Okay. So why haven't you called him?"

"I don't know. I mentioned going out for drinks and he seemed cool with it, but what if he was just trying not to let the situation get awkward? I mean, Megan was there. Maybe he didn't want to make an issue out of it."

"So he hasn't called you yet either," Sandy says, tone assessing.

"That's not a good sign, is it?"

"No, that's just a sign that boys are stupid. But we already knew that."

"This isn't helping."

"Call him," Sandy says, exasperated, but not unkind. "He wouldn't've given you his number if he didn't want you to use it."

"What if he doesn't answer?"

"Then he doesn't answer. Leave a message. Jesus, Jared, I know you know how to use a phone."

"What if it's awkward?"

"Oh my God, would you _stop_?" she snaps then, any harshness in her tone softened by the quiet laugh that immediately follows. "Jensen was your best friend for like a _decade_ and your... whatever for two years. Boyfriend. And you're still totally hung up on him. You can't just throw that away because it might be _awkward_."

Jared swallows, picks at a non-existent stray thread on the knee of his jeans. "A lot can change in--" He's cut off when his phone starts beeping dully in his ear and, frowning, he pulls it away to glance at the screen. "Chad's calling," he tells her. "The last time I ignored a call from him, he brought three girls home from some party and proceeded to have an orgy at the foot of my bed."

"Wow," Sandy replies after a significant pause. "Thanks for the overshare."

"To be fair, he thought it meant I wasn't home. Anyway, I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Fine. But Jared?"

"Hmm?"

" _Call him._ "

Jared laughs in response, quiet and a little strained and then switches the call over to Chad. "Hey."

"Dude, took you long enough. Did I catch you jerkin' off or something?"

"Yep. Decided to finish. My hand's totally covered in jizz right now."

There's a pause letting Jared know he's definitely won this round and he's already grinning when Chad says, "You are a sick fuck, you know that?" Jared sticks a finger in his mouth and gives an exaggerated slurping sound that makes Chad start ostentatiously dry heaving until he finally shouts, "Alright, alright! Enough!"

"You started it."

"Whatever, douchemunch. You busy over New Year's?"

"Eve?"

"Yeah. Just found out there's a party goin' down at Cassidy's."

"Wait, how did you hear about a party at Katie's before me?"

"Dude, the girl is all up in my junk," Chad answers. "Totally wants me."

"I've known Katie since fifth grade. She has way better taste than that."

"Fuck you. Ain't no girl who can deny herself The Chad."

"Sometimes I can't believe I'm friends with you."

"Yeah, sometimes I can't figure that one out either," Chad says without a drop of sarcasm. "Anyway, you in?"

Jared considers it. New Year's Eve could be a good night to spend with Jensen, an easy excuse to hit a bar or a club or something. Or chill back at his place watching old movies until the ball drops. But it could also seem a little too heavy with the whole midnight thing. The kissing ritual or whatever. Could get awkward.

Could get _really_ awkward.

"Yeah," he says, silently promising himself he'll call Jensen after and make plans then. If Jensen doesn't call first. "Yeah, that sounds cool."

:::

Jensen had thought about not going. He doubts most of the people there will remember him at all and the few who do probably have some cracked out idea of why he left in the first place. He knows there have been rumors; Mackenizie's filled him in on some of the more entertaining ones. His favorite involves him supposedly stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from his parents and fleeing the country to become a Tibetan monk. It sounds pretty appealing sometimes.

So there'll be that to deal with. Plus the awkwardness of smiling and attempting conversation with a ton of strangers while trying to get drunk enough to loosen up, but not so drunk as to do something completely stupid. He's done enough of that at college already.

And Jared. Jared will probably be there. That could get awkward.

Of course, in the end, that's also the whole reason he decides to go at all.

The place is already packed by the time he arrives and Katie nearly attacks him the second he steps through the front door.

"Jensen! Oh my God, Jensen! I didn't think you were coming!" she says, her hands moving from his shoulders to his face as she beams up at him. "God, look at you! _Look at you!_ Seriously. I mean, you were cute back in high school and everything, but _now_... fuck, I just want to lick you _up_."

Jensen feels his face flush and he laughs as he settles a hand on her waist. "Wow, you're drunk."

"Maybe a little," Katie says, swaying into him slightly, her hands falling to rest against his chest. "And you are _hot_. Seriously burning, disgustingly hot. Did you run off to become a model or something?" Her eyes light up then, mouth open before she breaks into another wide smile. "Oh my God, you did, didn't you! That makes so much sense! Who do you work for? Calvin Klein? Abercrombie?"

"Close," Jensen says, fighting a grin. "Victoria's Secret."

Katie pulls back a little, blinking. And then gives his shoulder a hard slap. "One more drink and I might've believed you."

Jensen arches an eyebrow. "I honestly have no idea how I'm supposed to take that."

"Take it to mean you need bigger boobs," she replies, wavering only a little as she takes a step back. "Seriously, though. You look really good."

She still looks a little unsteady, so Jensen keeps an arm poised to catch her and offers a smile. "Thanks. Uh... you, too."

"Wow, that was convincing."

Jensen smirks. "You know you're gorgeous, Cassidy. Stop fishing for compliments."

"Whatever," she says, waving her hand dismissively as she takes another sip of her drink. He can see the smile she's trying to hide and she swallows and points across the crowd. "There's beer in the kitchen. Snacks and stuff. Help yourself. Unless, of course, you don't want to ruin your girlish figure."

"Har har," Jensen says, already turning to head that way. He stops when Katie calls his name again, glances back.

Katie gives him a smile, a little lopsided, but still genuine. Says, "It's really good seeing you again, Jensen."

"Yeah, you, too," he says and finds he absolutely means it.

The kitchen is easy to locate, still right where it'd been the last time he'd stepped foot in Katie's house, and he takes a strange sort of comfort in the fact that at least that much hasn't changed. It looks almost exactly the same too, no new paint on the walls or updated cabinets. There's a plant in the far corner Jensen doesn't recognize, but there's also the familiar engraved cutting board on display above the stove and the ceramic Maneki Niko on the counter by the sink.

The only real difference Jensen notices is the proportion of beer to soda. That's a little new.

He smiles politely at the small cluster of people he doesn't recognize and grabs himself a Corona, takes a minute to dwell in the familiar surroundings while preparing himself to enter the crowd once more. Reuniting with Katie had been something of a test run; he has the feeling it's only going to get more harrowing as the night wears on.

Tipping his head back, Jensen takes a large swig of his beer and exits the kitchen, swallowing down the bitter taste as he turns the corner and--

"Whoa, whoa, hey. Sorry, man, I wasn't..."

One large hand wraps around his upper arm, stopping him before he can run straight into six-foot-plus of solid muscle.

"Sorry," Jensen mutters, stepping back as wide, familiar hazel eyes latch onto his own.

"Jensen."

Jensen swallows and tightens his grip on his beer. "Jared. Hi."

It's different from when they'd bumped into each other in the grocery store. More literal, for one, and somehow more immediate and unnerving. Jared is _here_ , right in front of him for the first time in years, solid and shadowed in the low light. He's tall, taller than he'd appeared in the store, making Jensen feel bizarrely short, something he is not at all accustomed to. And Jared's broad too, filling out a black UT t-shirt with wide, thick shoulders. His hair's still as floppy as Jensen remembers, thick waves licking at the sides of his neck. Jensen has the sharp and sudden memory of running his hands through the strands.

"Dude, you're," Jared starts, interrupting Jensen's thoughts with a quick laugh as he tugs Jensen away from the kitchen doorway and into the turn of the hallway. Jensen goes without complaint, still reeling enough to not mind being gently manhandled. "Fuck, what are you _doing_ here?"

Not entirely sure how to read the tone, Jensen's lips tug into a frown and he takes a step back, Jared's hand falling from his arm. "Katie," he says, glancing briefly at the throng of party-goers. "Through Mackenzie. She heard I was in town and, uh... extended the invite, I guess."

"So your sister's here?"

"No," Jensen says, confusion morphing into mild irritation. Though he doesn't think that's really Jared's fault; he just hadn't quite been prepared for this. He's not sure he ever really could've been. "She had about twenty different invites. Decided to go for the one likely to have the best free booze."

"Oh," Jared says then and he seems to relax a little, a faint smile curving his lips. "Smart girl."

"She has her moments."

The conversation fades into a lull of awkward silence then, Jared staring at him like he's not quite sure Jensen's really there before Jensen abruptly clears his throat. Says, "So, uh. You here alone?" and manages to stop himself from wincing. Stupid question.

"No," Jared says, unsurprisingly. But before Jensen call feel his heart plummet to the floor, he adds: "Well, kind of. I mean. I came with a friend, but I'm not. We aren't _together_ together if that's, uh. If that's what you meant."

"Oh. No, that's--"

"You remember Chad?"

Frowning, Jensen shakes his head and briefly looks out toward the crowd. Like it might give him some kind of clue.

"He, uh. Dated Sandy for awhile back before--"

"Dude, _Chad_?" Jensen interrupts, lips twitching into a smile that's more surprise than anything else. "Don't tell me you're actually friends with that guy."

"He's not so bad," Jared says, mirroring Jensen's smile. "I mean. Well, he's still kind of a dick, but I like to think I've been something of a positive influence."

Jensen snorts a laugh. "So he's your protégé?"

"More like my token douchebag friend."

"Charming."

"Oh, like you don't have one," Jared says, smiling wider. Warmer.

"I did," Jensen says with a teasing grin. "Once upon a time. But I haven't seen him in awhile, so..."

It takes Jared a second or two to catch on and Jensen sees the second it clicks, Jared's eyes widening and cheeks flushing before he knocks a loose fist against Jensen's shoulder. "Fuck you. I was the best friend you ever had."

"Yeah," Jensen says because they both know there's no arguing it. But the use of past tense hangs heavy, dragging the conversation into another standstill as Jensen swallows roughly and looks away again, brings his bottle up to his lips for a slow sip.

"I, uhm," Jared says a moment later, tone shifted again to one slightly more sober. "I've been meanin' to call you."

Jensen glances over, one eyebrow raised as he swallows his drink.

"Don't look at me like that," Jared says, pointing a finger at him. "Not like you called me either."

"I've been busy," Jensen lies, not bothering to hide the grin still tugging at his lips.

"Mmm," Jared says, shifting a little and Jensen sees a flash behind Jared's eyes. Something dark and vaguely dangerous that reminds him of heated whispers under blankets, gangly limbs and naked, sweaty skin. He feels stuck to the spot, frozen with anticipation and a tiny bit of fear, as Jared lowers his voice, says, "Busy playin' hard to get, maybe."

And _that_ makes him laugh, a quick snorfle that surprises himself as much as Jared. "Dude," he says, pointing the lip of his beer at Jared. "You seriously gotta work on your technique."

Jared looks affronted for a second and then smacks Jensen's beer bottle out of his face, laughing, "Fuck you," as Jensen grins and takes another sip. He notes the bloom of red across Jared's cheek, wonders if it's from embarrassment or booze or the heat of the party. Remembers a time or two when it came from something else entirely.

"Gotta cut me some slack," Jared says, head ducked briefly to look at Jensen through his bangs. "It's been awhile since I tried this whole flirting thing."

"Liar," Jensen replies and doesn't miss the way Jared's gaze drops when he licks his bottom lip. "You forget I know you, man. You flirt like breathing. Always have."

"Know," Jared says.

Jensen blinks. "Huh? Yes, you do!"

"No, I mean. You said 'know'. Present tense." Jared looks a little smug, a tiny grin curving his lips and Jensen feels that thrill again when Jared adds, "And I didn't forget."

There's no question at all what Jared's really saying and maybe they're both still tiptoeing around the giant elephant in the room, but Jared's getting closer and closer to stomping on the thing's tail.

And Jensen still isn't sure what's supposed to happen after that.

He swallows against the rising lump in his throat and takes a stilted, shaky breath as Jared leans in a little further, eyes dark and focused. He's only a breath away, heat coming off him in waves and Jensen inhales indulgently, smells the hint of boy he used to know under the dark musk of man before him, finds himself swaying into it.

Jared doesn't move, eyes on him the whole time, dark and clear and so exactly how Jensen remembers them, down to the flecks of gold barely visible in the dim lighting.

"Jensen," he says, a whisper, but Jensen doesn't hear it. Doesn't hear anything at all aside from the pounding of his own heartbeat as he leans up and in.

Jared meets him halfway, lips dry as they press to Jensen's, as warm and soft as they were five years ago.

He's dreamed of this, thought about it over and over since the day his parents sent him away. Longed for it even when he was trying to convince himself that his parents were right, that it was only a phase, that he was normal, that he liked _girls_.

It was all a fucking lie, of course; all he's ever really wanted is right here.

It's over far too quickly, both he and Jared pulling away at the same time; he's sure Jared's smile is mirrored on his own face.

"Wow," Jared says on a quick exhale and Jensen laughs, ducks his head as he feels his cheeks heat red. "It's not even midnight yet."

Jensen checks his watch and shrugs. Says, "Is on the east coast. That counts, right?"

"Only if it means I get to kiss you at the top of every hour," Jared replies, fingers grazing the bottom hem of Jensen's t-shirt. "Gotta cover all the time zones."

He lets Jared pull him in a little closer, feels his stomach flutter and breath quicken as the space between them is swiftly obliterated. _This_ feels different from before. There's so much more of Jared now, miles of him from head to foot, acres of new muscle, and Jensen reaches forward, rests a hand on Jared's side to steady himself as his head tips, inviting. It feels terrifyingly intimate, like it's really just the two of them again and nothing else. No party, no parents, no stigma or societal expectation. Just them.

His gaze drops to Jared's lips briefly and he feels a pulse low in his bones. Whispers, "I think we missed a few already. Better--"

The rest is cut off by Jared's mouth, growled and bitten away as Jensen yelps a laugh. He arches into it instinctively, moves his hand from Jared's side up to cup his face, pushing away dark, floppy hair as their tongues get reacquainted. Jared has one hand on his back, fingers twisted up in Jensen's t-shirt as they press hip to hip. It's not enough, not nearly enough, but it's more than Jensen ever thought he'd get again.

It's fucking perfect.

At least until a voice from behind barks, "JT! Hey, JT, where the fuck--"

Jensen's too engrossed in re-learning Jared's taste for the name to register, but then Jared's pulling back abruptly, eyes startled wide a second before a heavy hand drops to Jensen's shoulder and _yanks_.

Stumbling back, Jensen grunts and whirls, gives a hard shove on pure instinct. He's met with an answering push, hard enough to knock him against the wall and a sharp pain explodes across his left cheek before thick fingers wrap tight around his throat.

"Chad!"

"Who the hell're you?" Chad spits, drowning out the sound of Jared's voice.

Jensen snarls, feels the tang of iron in his mouth as his eyes narrow and he curls a hand around Chad's wrist. He's not struggling much yet, biding his time. Chad doesn't look all that much bigger than Jensen remembers. A little more muscular, yeah, but Jensen's no waif. And he's taller.

"What the fuck do you care?" he shoots back, ignoring the throb of pain across his cheek as Chad tightens his grip and leans in closer.

"I care about dirty fuckin' faggots crawlin' up on my boy," he growls and Jensen almost laughs. Wants to. But the hand currently attempting to crush his esophagus is making that fairly difficult. "You're that guy that just up and disappeared awhile back, right? I heard your parents sent you away because you're a fuckin' homo, you sick fuck!"

"Fuck you," he manages to get out before a flurry of movement behind Chad catches his attention and he sees Jared reach one arm over Chad's shoulder and pull, teeth gritted in a fury unlike anything Jensen's ever seen on him before.

"Dude," Chad argues as Jared drags him off, breaking away to whirl on him. "What the hell!"

"Back off!" Jared shouts, body curved to stand between the two of them. "Seriously. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, man."

"Are you fuckin' _kidding_ me?" Chad gapes, looking from Jared to Jensen and back again, face twisted in a horrified grimace. "I saw him! The guy was all over you, you can't tell me you're cool with that shit!"

Jensen cuts a glance at Jared, but he can't read what he sees there. Isn't sure he wants to.

The party sounds have ground to a halt, every eye in the house seemingly on them and Jensen swallows tightly, stands up straight against the wall as Jared takes a step closer to Chad, shoulders hunched and fist clenched at his side. Jensen lifts a tentative hand to his lip and grimaces down at the smear of red that colors his finger. His beer bottle's on the floor by his feet, spilling onto the carpet, but he doesn't make a move to pick it up.

"What if I am?" he says and Jensen can just barely make out the way Chad's eyes go wide.

"Oh, fuck no! No way! I _know_ you, man! You're not a-- a--!"

"What? Not a what? A _fag_?" Jared finishes for him, flinging his arms wide in obvious challenge. "You've said it, like, twenty times in the last thirty seconds and you suddenly can't get it out?"

Chad doesn't answer, seemingly stunned and Jared steps in closer. Snarls, "Here, I'll help you out," before lunging forward, arms swinging.

The whole place erupts into chaos then, three guys grabbing for Jared and two others managing to wrangle Chad. A few pictures get knocked off the wall in the process and Jared's clearly still livid, face red as he strains against the hold, screaming the entire time.

"What does that say about _you_ , huh? You've been living with a _fucking faggot_ for two years! How does that feel? Huh, Chad? C'mon, you worried you caught it?"

"Fuck you! You coulda fuckin' told me, you fuckin' pussy!"

"I was waiting for you to _grow the fuck up first!_

"I don't-- I'm your _friend_ , JT! Jesus!"

Jared lets out a laugh then, loud and bitter and totally lacking in any kind of humor. "Oh, fuck you. FUCK YOU!"

"Hey, hey, _ENOUGH!_ " a female voice shouts then and every head turns to watch Katie push her way through the crowd. She looks way more sober than the last time Jensen saw her, but he figures that's probably to be expected when two people are trying to tear apart her living room. "What the _fuck_ is the problem?" she snaps, eyes on Jared.

"Nothing," Jared says immediately, still glaring daggers at Chad. "We're cool."

"Like hell you are," Katie says, but she turns her attention to Chad, grimacing like she's suddenly smelt something foul. "Ugh, I knew inviting you was a bad idea."

"What--" Chad grunts, clearly affronted before his expression morphs to rage once more. " _Me_?!"

"You need to be gone," she tells him. " _Now_."

"Hey! What about him?" Chad argues, twisting against the two guys holding him as he glares at Jared.

Katie only shrugs. "What about him?"

"He attacked _me!_ "

"Because you're an _asshole_ ," Jared barks back. He's not exactly struggling, but Jensen can see the muscles straining under his t-shirt with the effort to hold back, sweat clinging to the sides of his face. "You hit Jensen!"

"He was on you! I thought-- _fuck_ , man. I was just trying to help you out!"

" _Help me out?_ You cannot be fucking serious."

"Yes!" Chad says, tone nearly imploring. Despite his better judgment, Jensen finds himself actually kind of believing the guy. A little. "I'm your _friend_. That's what friends _do_!"

Jared laughs, sharp and utterly humorless and says, "You are so far from my friend right now it's not even funny."

And Jensen doesn't know the guy very well so it's possible he's imagining it, but he thinks Chad wilts a little then.

It lasts all of about half a second and then he's glowering again, snarling like a wounded puppy at the two guys holding him and Katie jumps in once more. "Fuck you, dude! You want some weirdo climbin' on your junk, you shoulda _told_ me! How the hell was I supposed to know, huh?"

"Okay, seriously, out," Katie interrupts, shoving at the guy flanking Chad's left. "Now!"

Chad protests again, kicking and screaming as he's dragged to the door, the slam in his wake echoing through the room.

But Katie's not done, already whirling on Jared, one artfully sculpted eyebrow arched.

"You're next, Padalecki. Talk fast."

Jared's still glowering, shoulders tense and hands balled into fists, but Jensen can tell he's cooling down, waiting for the adrenaline rush to pass. He finds it strangely comforting that he can still sense that kind of thing, still knows how to read some of Jared's body language, no matter what else has changed.

As expected, Jared just gives Katie a nod a moment later and says quietly, "I'm done."

"Yeah?" Katie says, jutting one hip as she eyes him warily. "You nearly broke my wall."

Jared winces, his shoulders relaxing slightly. "Yeah, uhm. Sorry about that. Kind of lost control."

"Kind of?" Katie snorts, shaking her head. "Whatever, you're paying for those frames if they're broken."

He lets out a soft breath, something close to a laugh and says, "Yes, ma'am," with a hint of a grin curving his lips.

Katie rolls her eyes. "Get your boy cleaned up, would you? As pretty as he looks all banged up like that, I don't need him bleeding on the carpet."

Jared glances over then, eyes widening slightly and Jensen offers a weak smile. It's meant to be reassuring, but the movement aches a little and he raises a hand to his face, grimacing as the touch sparks a fresh bloom of pain across his cheek. The guys flanking Jared back off then, giving him room to step free and then Jared is right there, a hand on Jensen's jaw, tipping his head back as he peers close.

"Shit, Jen," he breathes and Jensen struggles to swallow as he shakes his head dismissively.

"It's fine. Not that bad."

"You're _bleeding_."

"Nothing's broken," Jensen assures him, but Jared's already grabbing his arm to pull him away from the wall.

Jensen lets him, feels his face flush a deep red when he realizes most everyone at the party is watching them. Twisting his wrist a little, he tugs his arm free, ignores the questioning look Jared gives him and the blatant stares from everyone else as they head for the bathroom.

Once inside, Jared closes the door and grabs the decorative washcloth hanging by the mirror as Jensen catches sight of his own reflection.

"Looks worse than it feels," he promises, but Jared only darts him a quick, speculative glance as he wets the cloth.

"Here," he says, wringing out some of the excess and then nudging Jensen's shoulder.

Turning a little, Jensen scowls and reaches to take the washcloth. "Dude, I can do it," he mutters, but Jared pulls it away, shaking his head.

"Just... let me," he says, his eyes locked on Jensen's. Quietly pleading.

Jensen's tempted to argue -- he can clean off his own Goddamn face for fuck's sake -- but something in the way Jared's staring at him makes the words refuse to come. Instead, he manages a rough swallow and nods, lowers his arms as he tips his head back.

He feels a brush of warm air when Jared exhales and then long, capable fingers are brushing along his jaw as the cloth slides across his cheek and down to his lips. It stings and he can't help the way he grimaces, inhaling sharp through his nose.

"Sorry," Jared murmurs, flicking him a quick glance and Jensen shakes his head.

"It's fine."

"No, I meant--" Jared huffs a breath and reaches past Jensen to wet the cloth again. The movement presses them closer together and Jensen reaches forward instinctively, resting his hands low on Jared's hips. "I was talking about Chad."

"Oh."

"He's a dick," Jared continues, brow furrowed as he continues cleaning the blood from Jensen's face.

"Didn't I say that earlier?" Jensen says, voice strained and teasing as he tips his head back again.

Jared flicks a glance upward again and Jensen's hoping for a flicker of a smile. He doesn't get one. "Always thought he was pretty harmless," he says. It sounds like an apology. "Didn't think he'd... I don't know. Guess I just never really saw this coming."

"Pretty sure he didn't either," Jensen murmurs as Jared swipes the warm terrycloth below his bottom lip. This close up, the crease of Jared's brow is a little mesmerizing and he lets himself stare, soaking in the nearness for awhile as he continues. "I mean, I still think he's a dick and I can't figure out why the hell you've stayed friends with him this long, but... I don't know. I feel kinda bad for him."

"What?" Jared asks, pulling back a little, his thumb still lightly resting at the curve of Jensen's mouth. "Why?"

Jensen shrugs. "He just... it's obvious you mean a lot to him. I think he genuinely was just trying to look out for you."

"He _hit_ you."

"Because he thought I was attacking you with my vile, gay cooties. Or something."

Jared's lips tug into a bare smile and his hand slides down to curl around the side of Jensen's neck. It sends a shiver of warmth straight down to his toes and he lifts a hand, curls it lightly around Jared's wrist as Jared says, "He's still an ass."

"I'm not saying he isn't. Just, you know. Maybe he just has some issues he needs to work out."

"Like his blatant homophobia?"

Jensen grins a little, cocks his head to the side. "Maybe this episode is only a result of repressed, latent homosexual urges. Maybe, as his friend, you only need to help him accept and embrace his sexuality."

"Yeah, no," Jared says, nose wrinkling as he fights a smile. "Don't think I want to have anything to do with Chad's sexuality, thanks."

Chuckling, Jensen smooths his hand down Jared's arm, grins wider as Jared's gaze flicks to his mouth.

"Hey, you helped me," he says, reaching his other hand forward to hook a finger in Jared's belt loop. "You should be an expert by now."

Jared's smile falters then, slides away into a clear frown as his thumb traces the curve of Jensen's jaw. "I didn't, though," he says, voice nearly a whisper. "Not really. All I did was get you sent away."

"That wasn't you," Jensen says. "Or, well. It kind of was, I guess. They wanted to get me away from you and I've spent most of the past five years trying to convince myself they were right, that I'm not gay, that I just got friendship confused with something else and fell to the temptation of the flesh or whatever. But-- hey, listen," Jensen says, bringing both hands up to cup Jared's face when he tries to duck away, forces him to look at Jensen. "They were wrong. They've always been wrong. It's taken me awhile to realize that and, to be honest, I still sometimes struggle with it, but being here, being with you again... it's just... I _know_ now. I really know."

His voice cracks embarrassingly at the end, but he pays barely any attention because Jared is just staring at him, eyes wide. Not saying a word.

The silence stretches into the realm of uncomfortable and Jensen caves under it, lets out a choked kind of laugh as he drops his hands to Jared's shoulder. "Alright, this concludes the sharing and caring portion of the--"

Jared cuts him off with a kiss, quick and insistent, nothing more than a firm press of lips.

Jensen lets out a whimper that has nothing to do with his split lip and curls his fingers in the fabric of Jared's shirt as his lips part on a sigh. He can feel Jared smile against him, tongue sliding in for a quick taste before ducking away, dragging his lips along Jensen's cheek and chin and jaw. Laughing a little, Jensen tips his head back again, the sound cut off with a swallow when he feels Jared's teeth scrape along his throat.

"Jared..."

He gets a growl in reply and his eyes slip shut when Jared moves up to ear, warm lips pressed to the skin just below. Jared's holding the washcloth against Jensen's shoulder, dampness spreading along the collar of Jensen's t-shirt. But he really doesn't give a shit, not with the way Jared's teeth are busy worrying his earlobe while his other hand smooths down Jensen's side, gripping and pulling him closer.

"We should leave," Jared murmurs a moment later, dark and warm against Jensen's ear.

Jensen blinks his eyes open as his hands slip up under Jared's shirt, fingers spread along the smooth skin of Jared's lower back. "Not even midnight yet."

"Don't care."

He laughs, low and throaty and Jared pulls back, fingertips grazing his cheek lightly as he meets Jensen's eyes.

"Seriously, I don't care. Come home with me."

Jensen's smile falters under Jared's wide eyes. He sees nothing there but open wanting and blind hope, finds himself rocked by how familiar it looks and how badly he's missed it.

"Yeah," he manages, voice rough. "Okay, let's go."

:::

Jared wakes up sweaty and unmistakably hard, Jensen a wall of naked heat against his back.

Blearily, his eyes flutter open and his breath catches when he feels a warm hand squeeze his dick, stroking the length in slow, lazy pulls.

"Jen--"

"Shhh," Jensen whispers into his neck, one leg slung over Jared's thigh as he rocks against him in rhythm with his hand.

Jared moans and tips his head back, still fuzzy with sleep and feels Jensen grinning into the curve of his jaw.

Everything seems to move in slow motion, a lethargic push and pull as Jensen works him, the room utterly silent but for their quiet gasps and groans. Pleasure pools low and insistent at the base of Jared's spine and he drops his hand to curl his fingers around Jensen's, tightening his grip as his hips move into it.

His whole body is still sore: knuckles aching from where they'd collided with Chad's face the night before, arm and thigh muscles weary from after, from the way he'd held Jensen down against his bed. But the pain barely registers, everything currently narrowed down to the feel of Jensen's hand wrapped around him and the steady grind of Jensen's dick at his back and the hot, wet press of greedy lips at his neck.

"Please," he murmurs, dragging his own fingertip along his cockhead, smearing pre-come as Jensen quickens his pace. "Please... _yeah_ , like that. Gotta--"

Jensen groans encouragement and Jared latches onto it, hips thrusting forward into the tight circle of his fist and lets go, nerves and muscles winding tight before he shudders his release, coming hot and hard across Jensen's fingers, dirtying up the sheets and his own belly. Again.

"God, _Jared_ ," Jensen groans then, teeth scraping the shell of his ear.

His hand is still moving, slick and sticky as Jared trembles through the after shocks.

After a few moments, Jared blinks his eyes open, stares blankly at the wall across the room before shifting and rolling unceremoniously onto his back. He ignores the weighted feel of his limbs and grins at the startled look on Jensen's face, green eyes blown black.

"Hi," he says.

Jensen maneuvers in his wake, hand dropping down to take his own cock in a needy grip and voice rough, breaking on an exhale as he replies. "Hi."

Jared takes a moment to drink in the sight of him: Jensen's flushed red from the neck down and his arm is straining as he jerks himself, the muscles of his abdomen fluttering with every breath. He never once takes his eyes off Jared.

He's close, Jared can tell. Seconds away from blowing his load right there for Jared to see.

Ignoring his own protesting muscles, Jared moves again, folding at the waist and curling downward. It's a little awkward, but he doesn't care, Jensen's dick, thick and leaking, strains toward his mouth.

He hears Jensen's punched groan as he leans in, tongue flicking over the head for a brief taste before he wraps his lips around the crown and sinks down. He'd done this last night too, choked himself on Jensen's dick, eager and thoroughly under-practiced. He wants to draw it out this time, make it last, revel in the sensation of Jensen filling his mouth and clogging his senses.

Smoothing a hand up Jensen's thigh, Jared relaxes his throat and takes in more, slurping lewdly as he pulls back and then eases down again. Slow and steady. Greedy.

Jensen tenses immediately, his hands dropping to Jared's upper back and over one shoulder before curling into his hair, gripping and tugging as Jared slides his hand higher, nudges his fingers under the swell of Jensen's balls, to the soft skin behind them. It doesn't take much more; Jared sinks lower, feels the blunt head Jensen's cock bump the back of his throat and then eases back with a soft hum and Jensen _wrenches_ , body seizing before he cries out, flooding Jared's mouth with pulse after pulse of slick, bitter come.

Jared almost gags on it at first, pulls back to suck in a breath before swallowing.

"Jared," Jensen groans, fingers still tangled in Jared's hair as his dick gives another spurt, streaking Jared's cheek.

Smiling, Jared licks his lips and then ducks down to clean what he can of Jensen's cock, lingering along the shaft as Jensen moans and whimpers above him.

" _Unf._ Stop," Jensen hisses seconds later, tugging sharply at Jared's hair.

Jared curves to glance back over his shoulder, grinning, one hand still wrapped loosely around Jensen's slowly softening dick. Jensen's stretched across the bed, one arm flung to the side as he sucks in deep breaths, face flushed a dark pink.

Slowly, Jared releases and straightens out, muscles protesting yet again as he drapes himself against Jensen's side, skin sticking with sweat and spunk.

"Morning," he says, resting his chin on Jensen's shoulder.

Jensen wrinkles his nose and turns his head away, laughing softly. "Mmm. Morning _breath_."

Jared chuckles and squirms closer, buries his face in the curve of Jensen's neck. Murmurs, "Yeah, well you started it."

He gets a soft grunt in reply and lets his eyes slip shut again, enjoying the comfortable silence and the slowing thrum of blood through his veins. The previous night replays itself in snapshot images behind his eyelids: Jensen smiling at him from the passenger seat, shy and awkward; Jared's fingers retracing the burgeoning bruise on Jensen's cheek before pressing a kiss there; Jensen laid out on his bed, shirtless and grinning; Jensen stretched out on his stomach later, hips lifted in invitation, Jared's hands spreading him wider as he thrust inside.

He think it's possible they'd woken his parents, but can't find it in himself to care all that much.

It's a long while before either of them moves again, but finally Jensen shifts, shoulder knocking lightly against Jared's cheek as he shimmies his way to the edge of the bed.

"Gotta pee," he mutters in explanation and Jared lets out a quiet sigh as he watches Jensen pad to the bathroom, gloriously naked.

When he returns moments later, he has one of Jared's towels wrapped around his waist and he looks oddly nervous and awkward.

"I should head home soon," he says, taking a seat on the edge of the mattress. Jared stares at the strong curve of his back and the meat of his arms, reaches out to brush his fingers over Jensen's towel-covered thigh and fights the low pull of disappointment.

"Gonna call Jeffrey?"

Jensen shakes his head, settles his hand over Jared's. Says, "I was kinda hoping you'd take me, actually. If, uh. If that's cool?"

There's a whole new sensation then. Not disappointment, but something a little closer to dread. His lips tug into a deep frown as he says, "But your parents..."

"It's a new year," Jensen says with a shrug. "Might as well make it a new life, right?"

Despite the conviction in his words, Jared can tell he's worried, fingers trembling minutely atop Jared's hand. So Jared does all he can and pulls in a slow breath, turns is wrist to curl his fingers with Jensen's as he nods. "Okay, yeah. I'll take you."

:::

They don't leave right away. Jensen drags Jared into the shower where they spend more time making out under the spray than actually getting clean. Not that Jared's complaining at all. Jensen's face looks worse than it had the night before and Jared is careful around it, pressing kisses to his temple and jaw and throat as he holds him against the ceramic wall, blanketing him in wet, naked skin.

After, they dry off and Jensen changes back into his clothes from the night before, grimacing at the smell of spilled beer in the fabric.

"You wanna borrow one of mine?" Jared offers.

Jensen blinks, seemingly surprised by the suggestion before breaking into an easy smile. "Yeah, sure. If you don't mind."

Jared lends him one of his older shirts, a grey Cowboys tee his brother gave him for Christmas years ago. It's one he hasn't worn since his shoulders got too broad to contain, but it fits Jensen well enough, not too tight, but not too big either. Jared wants to tell him to keep it.

They leave awhile later, though not without attracting the attention of his mother on the way out.

"Jensen! Jensen Ackles, is that you?" She's all smiles as she leaps up from the couch and hurries toward them, arms outstretched to cradle Jensen's face in her hands. "I never thought-- my, it's good to see you! How long are you here? Are you staying for dinner? I can make you some ham; I know how you always loved my ham."

Laughing a little, Jensen curls his hands around her arms. "Hi, Sherri."

"You have really grown up, haven't you?" she continues, fingers brushing the hair above his ears. Jared thinks she might be close to crying, though he can't tell from where he's standing. "So handsome! I know women who would kill for your eyelashes."

Jensen flushes then, sputters another breath as he gently pulls her hands away from his face. "I missed you," he tells her and the quiet tone of his voice makes Jared's ribs feel suddenly too small.

"Oh, baby," Jared's mother breathes before pushing up to her tip-toes to wrap him in a hug.

Over her shoulder, Jensen gives Jared a small, watery smile. He's clearly trying to appear like he's merely humoring her, but he's failing completely.

Clearing his throat, Jared steps forward then. "I'm actually about to drive him home," he says as she slowly pulls back, hands smoothing over Jensen's chest.

She frowns and glances at Jared. "Honey, isn't this yours?"

"Er," Jared stutters, feels his face heat inexplicably as he darts Jensen a look. "Yeah, Jensen's was--"

"Beer-scented," Jensen admits, sheepish, his nose wrinkling.

"Oh," she says and then takes a quick breath. "I can't believe you boys are both old enough to drink now. Where _does_ the time go?" Pinching the sleeve hems, she smiles at him and then pats his cheek one last time. "Well, I'll let you go, but only if you promise you'll come back. And I don't mean in another five years either, you hear me? We'll have no more of that!"

Chuckling, Jensen nods. "Yes, ma'am."

Smiling, she gives him a nudge and then shoots Jared a look, one that says way more than Jared is prepared to handle right now.

"I'll, uh. I'll be back soon, Mama," he says, but she only nods and gives him a shooing motion as she herds them both out the door.

"Drive safe, baby. Be careful."

The drive to Jensen's is done in near silence. It's not quite uncomfortable, but there's a definite charge in the air, a stifling sense of foreboding. Jared glances over every now and again and each time Jensen is looking out the window, gaze distant. Jared has the radio on; it's playing some new Snow Patrol song he doesn't know well enough yet to sing along to and Jensen taps the beat out against his leg.

Jared suggests listening to one of his CDs instead, but Jensen just shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, continues staring out the window. The closer they get to the Ackles Estate, the more jittery Jensen gets and Jared finds himself easing off the gas, taking his time around corners and lingering at stop lights.

Despite his best efforts, they arrive only fifteen minutes later, the large house looming as Jared's little Prius pulls into the long, circular drive.

"You can just drop me off here," Jensen says, sitting up in his seat, back stiff.

Jared slows to a stop in front of the large fountain out front and puts the car in park, twists slightly in his seat to face Jensen. "You're not-- I mean, this isn't goodbye, is it? I'll see you again before you leave?"

There's no use for pretenses any more so he doesn't bother trying to hide the tremor in his voice. He's spent the past twelve hours reacquainting himself with the one person who's ever really understood him and he knows that he's barely even scratched the surface yet. He'll beg if he has to; his dignity means shit in the long run.

Unclipping his seat belt, Jensen frowns, brows drawn in tight. "Of course," he says, like it's the easiest thing in the world, like he's confused that Jared has any cause to wonder at all.

"Really?" Jared asks, not sure it's that easy just yet. "You're not gonna, like, join the army or run off to the circus or--"

"Jared, I never chose to leave. You have to know that."

And the thing is, Jared _does_ know that. To an extent anyway. He's certainly spent enough time trying to convince himself of it. But even then, even when he was absolutely sure Jensen hadn't chosen to leave him, there had still been moments where he'd wondered. Mrs. Ackles had said they'd discussed it, after all. That they'd all come to the decision together. That maybe his parents had planted the seed, but Jensen had agreed in the end.

He manages a nod, but Jensen must not find it too convincing and leans in, the seat groaning softly with the shifting weight as he reaches to rest his hand on Jared's arm.

"Hey," he says, softer. Imploring. "Listen to me, okay? This isn't goodbye. It... I don't think it ever really was. I never got to say it back then so maybe it doesn't really count."

Jared smiles at that, lets out a quick breath that means to be a laugh, but doesn't quite get there. And then Jensen's crowding in closer yet, lifting a hand to touch Jared's cheek. This close up, the bruise on Jensen's cheek looks even more horrible, skin purpling and puffy, lip cracked and raw-looking.

"I still have two more weeks here," Jensen whispers, fingers trailing down the length of Jared's neck as he smiles softly. "Plan to spend as much of that time with you as humanly possible. If that's cool with you, of course."

Jared does laugh then, a started kind of rumble as he nods, leans forward enough to rest his forehead against Jensen's. "Think I could learn to deal with it, yeah."

Jensen's fingers curl into the collar of Jared's t-shirt, tugging gently. Grinning, Jared follows it, tips his head just enough to brush his lips against Jensen's, gentle and tentative, still all too aware of the tender skin surrounding Jensen's split lip and the fact that they're right outside Jensen's front door.

 _BANG!-BANG!-BANG!-BANG!_

"Jensen! Jensen Ackles, you get out of that car this instant!"

The force of the pounding is enough to shake the whole car and Jared gasps sharply, springs away with wide eyes when he spots Mrs. Ackles crouching to glare through the passenger window.

"Shit," Jensen hisses.

Jared feels suddenly sixteen all over again, caught red-handed and utterly terrified.

"They can't send you away again," he says, words rushing out, more plea than statement.

"No, they can't," Jensen says with a nod. "I'm twenty-one, they can't do shit."

Jared isn't so sure. As powerful a man as Mr. Ackles is, Jared's fairly positive he could do _something_ , but he decides to keep his mouth shut for the moment, has the feeling Jensen's trying to convince himself more than Jared anyway.

"Jensen Ross Ackles! Don't you ignore me! Get out here right now! _Right now!_ "

"I'm gonna go take care of this," Jensen says, fighting a wince. "Just-- stay here, okay?"

Swallowing, Jared nods. "I won't leave."

Jensen gives his own nod and then takes a deep breath before opening the door and shoving his way out. Jared turns his attention straight ahead, breath unsteady as Jensen closes the door behind him. It's a false idea of privacy and they all know it; Jared will hear every word.

"Jensen! Oh, Jensen, what happened to your _face_?"

Mrs. Ackles voice is still shrill, but Jared detects a clear undercurrent of genuine worry, too. He winces to himself, runs his hands over his thighs as Jensen hurries to explain.

"It's nothing, Mom. Just a guy at a party who--"

" _He_ did this to you, didn't he?" she interrupts, all fiery indignation once more and Jared's head snaps up, stomach plummeting as he turns to look at them through the window. He can only see Jensen's back and Mrs. Ackles right elbow and there's nothing he can do anyway, but he wants to scream. "Jensen, we have told you that boy is trouble. He is a _heathen_! Look what he did to you!"

"He _didn't_!" Jensen shouts.

Jared's fingers dig into his own thighs, nerves buzzing with the impulse to stand up for himself and the need to keep quiet and not make anything worse. He's too focused on the conflict going on in his own head to register his door opening until the seat belt across his lap suddenly pulls tight and two large hands grip him by the shirt and start yanking him out.

Caught off-guard, Jared falls to the ground, legs caught under him as a gruff voice snarls, "What did you do to my son, you fuckin' pervert?"

Jared's stunned, shocked with fear and anger as he's pushed and forced hard against the ground.

"Dad! Dad, what the _fuck_!?"

There's a hand on the side of his face, shoving him into the cement and Jared cries out as pain shoots down his spine. It's just as suddenly gone, the pain ceasing, though he's still shaking from the shock of it and Jared hears more shouting and a distinct scuffle above him, manages to turn enough to see Jensen shoving and pushing at his father, pure fury etched in every line of bruised face.

"Jensen," he breathes, wary.

But Jensen isn't paying him any attention. Instead, he has his father backed against Jared's car, one hand on his throat.

"Don't you _ever_ fucking touch him!" he snarls, punctuating his words with another hard shove.

"Jensen, that boy has been the bane of this family's existence since--"

"No! God, you are so full of _shit!_! All you care about is money and how to get more of it. You don't care about _me_! You never fucking have! You just care how other people see me and how I can better serve you and your stupid fucking company. Well _fuck that_ , Dad."

"Jensen--"

" _No_! Listen to me! I love him! I love him and I don't fucking care what you have to say about it!"

"Jensen, you don't mean that," his mother squawks, frantic. She's standing a foot or two away; Jared can barely make her out from his vantage point. "For God's sake, stop this right now!"

Wincing, Jared uncurls his body to sit up, muscles protesting as he stares up at Jensen, eyes widening when Jensen shouts:

"Shut up! Both of you!"

"Don't you talk to your mother that way," Jensen's father growls, words strained as Jensen tightens his grip.

"Why not? Because I'm supposed to _respect_ you? Give me one reason why I should have any respect for either of you _at all_! You shipped me to the other side of the country because you thought it would _fix_ me, because you thought Jared was some kind of sixteen year old toxic disease and that I didn't have a mind of my own. Hell, you only started speaking to me again when I made you think I had a girlfriend and then hated that I _lowered_ myself by choosing to go to UCLA, that I decided to be a doctor and not another money-grubbing oil executive. You've belittled me and judged me and outright despised me my _entire life_! Tell me why I should think any better of _you_."

"We haven't-- Jensen, we care about you!" his mother insists, tone pleading.

Biting back a groan, Jared slowly pushes to his feet. He's sure he's hearing far more than he has any right to, but he's reluctant to go anywhere, just stands the few feet away, drawing as little attention to himself as possible. Just there in case Jensen needs him.

"You have _never_ cared about me," Jensen growls, but he finally releases his father, chest heaving as he shoves himself away. His shoulders are hunched and his eyes are still wild, radiating a silent challenge as he glares between the both of them. "If you cared, you wouldn't have sent me away. You would've _listened_ to me! Just once!"

"Jensen, we have always listened. And we have always had your best interests at heart," she argues. "You just-- you've been foolish, made some mistakes--"

"Got tangled up with the wrong crowd," his father interjects, lips drawn in a tight scowl.

"No!" Jensen shouts again, abrupt, his voice nearly cracking into a laugh. "Don't even-- Jesus, you don't _know_ him! You never even _tried_ to! All you care about is his fucking name and the fact that his dad -- his _dad_ , not _him_ \-- cost you a couple million dollars once upon a time. That's _it_! It's not like he fucking killed your child!"

"He might as well have!" Mr. Ackles snaps, voice cutting sharp.

Jared's breath catches, nerves prickling under his skin as Jensen stands, stunned for a long moment.

And then he laughs again, a bitter, twisted sound as he steps in close to his father once more. "You have the most fucked up sense of--" he cuts himself off with another harsh sound, shaking his head as he pulls back, hands raised. "Fuck it, I'm done. You can disown me if you want, take away my trust, write me out of the will, I don't fucking care. I'm done."

His parents say nothing. Jensen's mother looks rooted to the spot, eyes wide and arms drawn in, one hand clutching the front of her own shirt. His father is still leaning against Jared's car, face beet red and quietly seething.

Jensen cuts Jared a quick glance then, gaze unreadable. Says, "Jared's been the one thing to ever make me feel like I belong somewhere," before tearing his eyes away to look at his father once more. "I'm sorry you'll never understand that."

There's an almost eerie silence then, nothing but the steady flow of the fountain and the blowing breeze.

Without another word, Jensen walks around to the other side of the car, opens the passenger side door and slides in.

Jared swallows and fidgets a second, glances between Jensen's mother and father before taking a hesitant step forward. Mr. Ackles' eyes narrow as Jared nears, but he doesn't say anything, just takes a step back, giving Jared just enough room to reach his door.

It's not until Jared's opening it that the man growls, "If you think this is the end, you are greatly mistaken, Mr. Padalecki."

And Jared pauses once he's safely seated, looks over his shoulder and says, "Go fuck yourself," before slamming the door shut and shoving the car into drive.

He peels away half a second later, not bothering to even glance in the rear view mirror as he guns the gas, trying to push his little car into going as fast as it possibly can. He doubts Jensen's parents are following, but his heart is racing all the same, nerves buzzing with fresh adrenaline.

And Jensen punches the ceiling and whoops, bursts out into a laugh so loud and so hard that it sends Jared's heart soaring.

:::

"So you'll call, right?"

Smirking, Jensen readjusts the strap of his bag and double-checks that he has his boarding pass and I.D. "Yes," he says, voice quiet as he steps in closer. He has about an hour before his plane takes off, but there's still security to suffer though and there's no telling how long that'll take.

He's refusing to focus on it right now, though.

Jared brushes the backs of his fingers along the front of Jensen's jacket, cocks his head to one side. "I mean when you land."

"Yes. When I land. And when I get to my apartment. And after I unpack. And before I go to sleep."

Laughing, Jared arches an eyebrow and lets his smile slip to a smirk. "Mmm, I like the sound of that last one..."

Jensen snorts and gives Jared a gentle shove as he crowds in closer.

Around them, the airport is teeming with activity, people hurrying past to retrieve their luggage, find their loved ones, stand in line. The intercom keeps going off, blaring security warnings and baggage information and gate re-locations. Or at least that's what Jensen thinks they're saying; it's all largely unintelligible.

"I'll call," Jensen assures him, voice a little more serious as he rests his hands on Jared's hips.

"Okay," Jared says, letting out an exhale. "If nothing else, it'll give my phone a little reprieve from Chad's constant messages."

Jensen huffs a laugh. "Still feels pretty bad, huh?"

"It's a little boggling, actually," Jared says, a grin tugging his lips. "I never really thought he had a conscience before. This is all very new for me."

"And him."

"And him," Jared agrees. "Good thing you came along, right?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure he's so grateful," Jensen grins. "You know, if you're still planning on beating the shit out of him next time you see him, I won't judge you."

"That right?" Jared laughs, dropping his hands to Jensen's shoulders and squeezing. His smile is playful even as his voice softens a little when he says, "Your face is looking better."

"Yeah, I know," Jensen sighs. "Kinda bummed. I was looking forward to showing it off."

Jared lightly drags his thumb along the bottom of the bruise and smirks. It occurs to Jensen then, though not for the first time, that this is the last he's going to see of Jared for months. They've talked a little bit about meeting up for spring break, but if that doesn't work out, they won't see each other until June. And maybe it shouldn't be a big deal -- he'd gone five years without seeing Jared, after all -- but it still rocks him. He has no idea what happens from this point, no idea yet if his parents really plan on never talking to him, if he'll ever see Josh or Mackenzie again, if he'll have any money in his account when he lands in LA. There's so much up in the air and all he can think about is the possibility of going five agonizing months without seeing Jared.

He pulls in a shaky breath, calming himself, before leaning up to press a kiss to Jared's lips, lingering, hands curled in the heavy fabric of Jared's jacket. Jared makes a sound against him, something close to a whimper and Jensen pulls away reluctantly, lips still tingling.

"I'll call you," he promises, quieter.

Jared's eyes look a little watery, but he manages a small nod. Says, "Fuckin' better."

Jensen gets through security with little hassle, collects his shoes, bag and coat on the other side of the barrier and makes his way to his gate. He stops at a store along the way and kills some time buying stupid little souvenirs for Danneel and Chris: a couple shot glasses decorated with the Texas flag, a cheap, plastic keychain with Chris's name on it. His phone buzzes as he's paying for them, notifying him of a text message and he checks it when he gets to his gate, not at all surprised to see it's from Jared.

 _Check your bag._

Fighting a smirk, Jensen looks down at his backpack. He nudges it with his knee and then crouches forward, unzipping the small front pouch. He has his contact case in there, glasses and saline solution. Small notebook and a couple pens. Nothing out of the ordinary. One side pocket holds his phone cord and iPod, the other his digital camera.

The large, main pocket holds a balled up sweatshirt he'd stolen from Jared along with a copy of Stephen King's latest and a tattered book of crossword puzzles.

But there is one thing Jensen knows he didn't put there.

A single peanut butter cookie wrapped in saran wrap is trapped between the King book and Jared's sweatshirt. It's slightly crumbled, but the Hershey's Kiss is still affixed in the center and there's a post-it note attached to the outside, words written in Jared's familiar scrawl:

 _I miss you._

Jensen laughs, a puff of breath as he cradles the cookie in his hand, thinks of Jared driving home without him and vows this will be the last time they ever say goodbye.

 

 **the end.**

  



End file.
